They don’t tell you about this part. They don’t tell you about the part that rips the rug out from under you and the part that makes you question who you were or who you are.

This isn’t what you sign up for.

But this is part of it.

With any great risk there comes great reward. In this case, great risk was putting myself out there for all of it. In this case, the great risk was letting down a wall that was most definitely set in stone and concrete and sheet metal and rebar and any other reinforcing material. The risk this time was revisiting a story from the past. The risk this time was believing in something that hadn’t even had the chance to develop. The risk this time was really being me. And not apologizing. And not worrying about the scary shit.

And if I was given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I write this post without a single photo to document our time together. Not one snapshot to validate that he was actually here and that we actually took a stab at this. I write this post with only the visual and emotional context of this weekend, no physical proof that it actually happened.

But it did.

Life, like love, is a fickle, fickle bitch. You can plan and hope and predict and dream and wish until you’re blue in the face but at the end of the day, it is what it is. It is. Or it isn’t. And there isn’t a single damn thing I can do to change that.

I told my dad in January that this weekend would be life-changing. And it was.

I now have yet ANOTHER dimension to add to what I need. I have another bullet to add to what I have to offer. By all means, by any preset definiton, this should (could and would) be a total fail.

But it’s not.

We may not be redefining “epic” in the context that I THOUGHT we would, but I’d be an idiot to ignore what is happening.

So, I don’t know where things are headed, but I’m okay.

So I didn’t post yesterday. By all rules and regulations of the 28 day blogging challenge, I fail.

But I beg to differ. I’ve been living. And not working. Totally disconnected and spending time exploring a new chapter of my life. So not a fail. In fact, a total success.

Tomorrow I’ll post. And it will be a normal post. But for the sake of talking, I’m not failing at the challenge, in fact, I’m succeeding. So there’s that.

And I leave you with a pic of the biggest burger. EVER. thanks to the counter on diversey.

Read this.

It’s long. I’ll wait.

Are you back? Great. Nice to see you. Are you furious? Or are you in total agreement? Now, how old are you? Are you married? Are you single? Are you dating? Are you male or female? Are all of your friends married? Are you worried that you’ll never find “the one?”

This article is so confusing.

Sorry, but it’s true. I’m all about a healthy compromise, but when it comes to the rest of my LIFE, I want greatness. And I’m not settling. And my idea of greatness changes EVERY SINGLE DAY, so there’s that.

I’m not going to settle for anything less than everything*. And like I said, everything changes on a daily basis. When I first moved to Chicago, “everything” was a loft apartment downtown, a killer career, and probably a dog because I “didn’t have time” for anything else. Let’s be serious – I don’t have time for a dog and now – today – “everything” has shifted its definition. Again. As it always does.

What is “everything” today? Everything is the career yes, but a solid group of friends that I can call on for anything. Everything is having someone that I can call, be it a best friend, a boyfriend, a husband (someday), WHATEVER, who is my “person”. Someone who will be there through the thick and thin, someone who I don’t ever hesitate to pick up the phone to contact in the event of an emergency, thrilling news, or just when I need someone to calm me down.

That’s what I want. And I don’t really care what form it comes in. And I have it now. And titles don’t matter right now. Call it what you will. But I have my “person” and that makes me happy. I feel like I’m in elementary school when I think about what it would be defined as.

Technically, if you’ve ever seen Sex in the City, you know that Carrie needs her “person” and her “person” is a woman. Which is fine. And I have a “person” in that capacity. I also have my “person” who could potentially be the greatest thing to ever walk into my life. We’ll see how that develops, but for now, I’m totally loving where its going, and for the first time, no rushing. I’m not freaking out wondering why there aren’t definitions yet, because we don’t need definitions. We’re redefining things every day.

According to the article linked above, me saying all this, me holding out, my demanding “greatness” instead of settling, is because I’m young and naive and nobody actually has a “person” – we all just have to settle.

Sorry, but no.

Which this all kinda ties into the whole poem thing that Doniree and Katie wrote about today. It’s called the invitation. And I think you can read it differently depending on what is going on in your life. My take? Today? It’s a letter to my “person”. So there.

Some good food for thought, to make up for the garbage I made you read at the beginning of this post:

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

The Invitation

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer from the book The Invitation

(Earlier this week, Alex posted a beautiful story about her grandmother, and included a poem from a book called The Invitation. I found it because I was seeking out a topic to write about yesterday and Doniree was like “OOH OOOH THIS THIS THIS” and then we decided to manhandle the poem a little bit. Except I don’t really want to manhandle it. Because, really, it’s fabulous.)

So, are you settling? Did you settle? Is there anything wrong with settling? What is the difference between settling and compromising?

And what the hell is up with labels anyway?

*AUTHOR’S NOTE: Mad props to Sugar Land for that line of Settlin’.

Anticipation. For me, it’s kind of like the whole “curiosity killed the cat” type of thing. When I have something to look forward to, I desperately want time to fly by and hurry up and for the moment to get here. Then, the moment comes, it’s awesome, and before I know it, I’m begging time to slow down or to rewind.

It’s kind of like when you’re reading a book with several different story lines and there is one that is awesome and one that kinda sucks. You just want to skip ahead to the good parts, the parts that are about the storyline that you’re dying to finish, while the crap storyline falls to the wayside. I used to skip entire chapters of books because I just wanted to read about what happened to one specific character – I didn’t care about how the rest of the story was developing.

Anticipation makes me crazy nervous and crazy excited. It’s fun. And, as I’m getting older, I’m realizing that there is a lot to be said for the present. For this moment. I can hope and dream and plan and wish, but at the end of the day, what is supposed to happen, will. I can make decisions that will swing my life one way or another, be prepared for a lot of situations and be conscious of my surroundings – but when it comes right down to it, I’m learning to appreciate what is happening RIGHT NOW. Because if I spend too much of my time with my head in the clouds, I may miss out on some fantastic stuff that is happening down here, on solid ground.

How do you slow yourself down? How do you focus and enjoy the moment?

Fearless. By any normal definition: without fear. Unafraid. According to urbandictionary.com: Strong willed. Heart of gold. Beautiful inside and out. Able to push through the storms of a shattered heart, broken spirit and tattered body emerging twice as graceful and independent than before.

That’s exactly what Chris was.

One year ago today, I got word that my dear childhood friend, Chris, was in a tragic snowboarding accident, in the hospital, on life support and had passed away.

He was fearless.

Chris was fearless from the moment we met in elementary school. Simple fearlessness – he wore UMBRO’s in the snow. He wore soccer shorts no matter the temperature. Every. Single. Day. He was my sister’s guardian on the bus and as we got older, he taught her the difference between compliments and pickup lines. He was the class clown – never afraid to put himself out there for the world to laugh with.

He was fearless.

Chris did the worm across the stage at our high school graduation. We were surprised, yes, but not really. That was typical Chris fashion. Do what you want, when you want to do it, and not worry about who may or may not be judging. But he wasn’t reckless. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.

He was fearless.

“Dear Father,

This flag was flown over the headquarters of the Multi-National Corps-Iraq in honor of you and Rockhurst University. I deployed as a civilian in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom and the Global War on Terrorism. It was a great experience, and I will remember it dearly.

I realize that this would not have been possible without the education and core values I developed as a student of Rockhurst. I thank you for your leadership and for being a great role model to myself and the rest of the Rockhurst community.

Sincerely,
Chris Quante ’07″

Chris sent back a flag to his alma mater, Rockhurst University, after he returned from a tour in Iraq.

He was fearless.

I realize, today, a year later, that I’ve tried to embrace a lot of what Chris stood for. He passed away shortly before I left for SXSW last year. I think a lot of my fearlessness in Austin came from losing Chris. A lot of it can be chalked up to timing, good luck, being prepared – but when it comes right down to it, I think I may have had a special someone watching over me, telling me it was okay to go grab Aaron for an interview in the middle of a party.

I think maybe, his fearlessness was passed on to me when I decided to pack up everything in my car and move to Chicago. On the hope that I would get hired out of my internship.

I know his fearlessness is passed on to me every time I do something that is outside of my comfort zone. And every time I tell someone I love them – because you never know when you won’t have the opportunity to say that again.

I got the reminder on my phone this morning at midnight that today was the one year anniversary. I was half asleep, battling food poisoning and ultimately annoyed that my calendar alert went off. When I rolled over to see the alert – I paused. I thought about everything that made Chris who he was, and everything that I wish more people would aspire to be.

Chris was fearless. I hope I can continue to channel that as I make my way through this life, because I know I sure as shit don’t want to come down to my final days with regrets, with any what-ifs, with any semblance of not pursuing something that may have been a little bit scary.

So here’s to Chris. To going after what you want, and not turning around to see who thinks you’re crazy. To having confidence in those iffy decisions, because, after all, fearing life isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Keep on keepin' on up there.

Who is fearless in your life? What does being fearless mean to you?

Okay I really thought that I would leave Dallas and want to open my own cheerleading gym as soon as I returned to Chicago. I fully anticipated wanting to find a choreographer, find a whole bunch of cheerleaders and breed National Champion teams.

I don’t. At all.

The scene had changed so much since I’ve been out of the game. I went to my last national competition in 2003 and it’s totally different. Since my last two and a half minutes on the mat, teams are no longer required to have a cheer portion of the routine. They have spring floors. They wear skimpy outfits. They have maximized the glitter usage.

The energy is gone.

All Star powerhouses like Cheer Athletics, Top Gun and Twist & Shout were known for their cheers. The entire arena knew the words to the chant and even if you didn’t train at those gyms, you silently mouthed the words when they were on the floor. Gyms like that commanded attention and respect. They were intimidating because the ENTIRE arena knew that chant. And those gyms usually brought anywhere from 7-15 teams. That’s a lot of volume support on finals day.

The realization that I had that was a real eye-opener: when I was a cheerleader, I was lazy. Sure, I had great jumps, was a good enough dancer and when it came time to compete, I left it all on the mat. But at the end of the day, if I had an ounce of the drive I have today, I could have easily thrown a full. I could have been a powerhouse and gone on to cheer in college and been NCA staff someday.

But I was lazy.

Which begs the question, what makes me so driven today? I bet my mom knows. She remembers stuff like that.

All I wanted was to get back to Dallas. And I did. I saw the routines. I felt the nerves for the teams about to take the mat. I gushed to CA moms that all I wanted when I was 17 was to grow up, get married, have babies and have them train at Cheer Athletics. I even saw my old coaches.

And now I’m over it. Chapter closed.

So in 17 days, I’ll be hopping on a flight to Austin for SXSW. In 21 days, I’ll be speaking on a panel with four of my fellow Gen-Y bloggers/pros/friends/future colleagues. I’m so freaking excited I can’t even stand it.

I’m excited because, HELLO, this is an awesome opportunity. I think we’re going to have an incredible discussion about why Gen-Y wants to work “with” you, not “for” you. I anticipate a lot of our Brazen buddies and other community members will be there. I also hope to see many of my mentors, some of which I met at the conference last year. I’m excited because just a year ago, I dreamed of someday speaking at SXSW, and now that “someday” is 23 days away. Safe to say that happened a little bit faster than I had planned.

I’m excited because there are a TON of people there that I’m super-stoked to finally meet offline. I’ve been talking to Jenny Blake for over a year now and we finally get to connect face to face. That’s going to be AMAZING! There are a bunch of students from USF that are coming, and I can’t wait to see them again and catch up on their lives in Tampa and see how their coursework is coming.

I’m excited because I want you guys to tell us what you want to hear. I know a handful of you will be at the panel – and we’ll obviously have video to share afterwards. So what do you want to hear? What parts of the Gen-Y reputation/stereotype/etc would you like to have discussed? Is there any part of “with” vs. “for” that you agree with? Disagree with?

This is a huge opportunity for five of us to have a voice. If you were on the panel – what would you say?

So, here are some pics of NCA Nationals in Dallas. Expect a sappy followup post once I’ve collected my thoughts.

Author’s Disclaimer: assuming we’re only allowed one tweet, the autotweet of this blog post shouldn’t disqualify me, right?

So there’s this little thing going on at work. We’re all thinking of creative habits to get us all creative and in a creative mood.

The rules: tweet your creative habit with the tag #WSChi. Most creative of the creative habits wins a fabulous prize.

So, now, my friends, I present to you a little video diddy by yours truly.

Mentoring others and being mentored gets me all jazzed. I draw a lot of inspiration from the energy of some of the people I mentor and from those who mentor me. I’ve written a lot of posts that were inspired by people that I have a mentoring relationship with – and this blog tends to keep my creative mind in check. Especially this month with the 28-day Blogging Challenge. It’s slowly, but surely, disciplining me to consistently come up with content in a timely fashion.

What are some of your creative habits? What gets your mind sparkling and ready to create?

Crunch time. That phrase means different things to us in different phases of our lives. And, looking back, crunch time doesn’t go away. It just presents itself in a different way.

Crunch time a year ago was me getting ready for SXSW. I was working six nights at the bar, seven if they’d let me, so I could have enough cash that I didn’t have to limit myself when I was in Austin. I didn’t want to be in a position where I had to pass up any opportunities because I couldn’t afford it. My mentor told me that SXSW was going to be like a career fair. So we had been working on my resume, sorting through what I have to offer a company vs. what I need from an employer, and getting me prepared for conversations that could potentially lead me to my first job out of college.

Crunch time a year ago was me acting as the account executive for my Advanced PR class, leading a team of five in initiatives and through complications that you can’t learn in the classroom. We were working with a non-profit that had ZERO budget but wanted rainbows and unicorns and for everyone to know what they were about. It was, at the time, the most difficult thing I had yet to do in my education.

In my life today, there is a lot of crunch time and February in particular has been pretty crazy. I’ve been fortunate enough to be brought onto an account that has two major activations back-to-back. Which is awesome – but also, a little scary.

I’ve been navigating planning these events and it’s so different from the digital work that I primarily touch. I’m working with vendors, calling convention centers, making sure all of our i’s are dotted and our t’s are crossed. It’s been one heck of a learning experience, I can tell you that.

Every day at work I’m presented with challenges. New assignments that I’ve never worked on before. Different kinds of assignments, both traditional and digital, that are things that you learn as you go – things they don’t teach in the classroom. I’ve been working hard from the start to keep a balance between knowing a good amount about the digital space, being eager to learn about everything I possibly can, and reminding myself that it’s okay if I don’t have all of the answers when teams come to me for more information.

I’m still learning.

And the fact that I’m learning every day is why I am absolutely crazy about this place. The fact that I have at least five people that I can count on for any one question I have is incredible. The fact that I don’t have to be afraid to ask for help, or clarity, or guidance – because everyone here is so willing to teach – makes every day a tremendous learning opportunity. The opportunities that I have had to learn new aspects of the business and the industry in general makes my brain smile. It’s a lot to process, but knowing that people here have my back, that I have theirs and that we’re in this together - that’s what gets me up in the morning.

Are you about to graduate? Have you already graduated? Are you employed? What does crunch time mean to you? More importantly – no matter where you are in life, are you still learning?