July 14th, 2011 | 9 comments | Skydiving

Forgive me for my absence for the past month while I was healing and over analyzing every single thing that could have and did go wrong on June 5th. My last draft is from June 23, titled “Skydiving Scares Me.” I sent it to the boy for him to read, had a mild breakdown about how I was terrified to jump again, and I said I’d never post it. It was all about weighing the consequences, the calculated risk that we all evaluate before every skydive and all that jazz. I re-read it and it was obviously me getting inside my own head and doubting everything I’ve been doing for the past year.

I just landed, safely, from my first jump since I fractured my tailbone and sprained my ankle. So if there’s any question about whether or not I’ll jump again, the answer is “well I already did, so yes.”

You see, fear is a funny thing. Until about half an hour ago, I hadn’t jumped in 39 days. I was honestly considering becoming a tunnel rat so I didn’t have to worry about the canopy control part of things and I could just enjoy body flight and call it a day. But then I sat down and really thought about it. I’ve devoted this chapter of my life to all things skydiving, and I’d never know if I was okay after my injury if I didn’t try. I could keep putting it off until I was well beyond what the doctor recommended for healing time or I could trust myself and my training and know that I’d be able to do this safely and successfully.

And, just like every skydive before has been, that skydive was like my reset button. The second I left the airplane and saw the boy diving out after me, I knew everything would be fine. Like riding a bike. And the second I had a canopy over my head, my mind went right back to auto-pilot. Assessing where I was, how much altitude I had to make it back, what my pattern was going to look like, all of it. I had a couple extra thoughts from my last jump, making sure that I avoided the areas that were thermal all day and the obstacles that create turbulence when the wind is coming out of the south.

And I did. And it was lovely. The landing wasn’t graceful and I could have set up better, but it was a nice, safe, baseball-style slide and, most importantly, it didn’t hurt.

I texted my family that I was back up in the air and safe and sound and my dad replied with the following:

Oh wonderful… Just what every parent wants to hear, “I’ll be jumping out of airplanes again” … On the other hand, beats the heck out of “I’m to0 scared to do anything with my life. I think I’ll move back home and give up on these dreams.”

And isn’t that what it’s all about? Whether it’s skydiving, quitting a job you hate to pursue one you think you’ll love, telling someone you love them for the first time, or taking that next big step, whatever that next big step may be, isn’t that what we’re all here for – to face the fear and keep chasing that big shiny dream?

Some fear is good, and if it’s not scary, then maybe it’s not worth doing. But at the end of the day, knowing how to manage the fear, and even how to manipulate it, is what will get you through to tomorrow.

What scares you? How do you deal with it?