December 4, 2009

No Tears: Unfiltered.

Nice to see you again. Follow me, @SydneyOwen. Thanks for being here!

What is it about relocating that is so surreal? I’ve been here in Chicago for nearly six months and it feels like just yesterday I was taking my last final at USF, but it also feels like I’ve been here for years.

I kind of feel like I’m on an extended vacation. That at any time, I’ll just pack up and go home. That this isn’t real. Especially when I see the skyline. EVERY SINGLE DAY I think to myself, “holy shit, I LIVE here”.

There is a lot that has changed since I grew up in Kansas. I finished high school, went to KU for a couple years, was a student-athlete and then moved to Florida in the middle of spring semester. I barely remember my life in Kansas now.

Florida is and was amazing – I learned a lot about myself and what it really takes to be independent.

I remember when I was doing the long-distance thing with the Cop. Every time I took him to the airport to fly back to Jersey – I would cry. Every single time. I was afraid one, that I’d never see him again, two, that I’d miss him terribly and three, it was part of the routine. We have a great time, go to the airport, I cry, then everything’s fine. Then one day, I stopped crying. I couldn’t understand why.

When I left my parent’s house in Orlando to move to Chicago in June, I cried damn near all the way to Gainesville, off and on. I had several points along the way where I wondered “Sydney, what the HELL are you on, moving to a city on a dream and to a city where you know nobody?” I knew I’d miss my family – I knew that they weren’t a quick drive away when I got sick or needed support, what have you. I’ve said it before, my family is my WORLD, and I was constantly reminding myself of that on my initial drive up here.

When I went back for graduation – I cried as we packed up my stuff and headed to the airport. I cried because I knew I had a job waiting for me in Chicago when I got back, making this dream a reality. I knew that I wasn’t going to be rushing home to the security blanket that is Florida anytime soon. I was really doing this.

This last time, I didn’t cry. Does that mean I’m growing up? Does this mean that I’m coming to terms with only seeing my family a handful of times a year? Does this mean that I’m coming to terms with the commitment that I’ve made to myself and to my career? Was it because I had my best friend from Chicago with me and I didn’t want to cry in front of her?

Why is it that the tears can be such a huge part of certain milestones – but completely absent in ones that you think would make you cry?

  • Leslie_Forman
    The other day, a close friend said to me, "You've got to leave here. You're not happy. Happy people don't cry." I couldn't find the words to disagree with him directly right at that moment but those words are still in my mind.

    I disagree. I don't think I'm someone who cries all the time, but at moments of accumulated frustration, the tears flow. Not so much from sadness or sentiment, mostly frustration accumulated from many sources.

    In the book Stumbling Upon Happiness, Daniel Gilbert writes that people are more likely to forgive their partners for infidelity than leaving dirty dishes in the sink. I think this type of contradictory statement could also be applied to tears. The big events and transitions somehow don't faze me too much, but the little ones can really pack a punch.

    P.S. Your dad leaves amazing comments!
  • Great post Sydney. I love how willing you are to share what might be deeply personal emotions for others. Here's *my* crying dilemma. I'm middle aged and cry at movies like "Bridge to Terabithia" while my kids do not. Am I regressing? I won't be a movie spoiler, but I got all teary eyed! I chalk it up to having empathy for others' plights which, I think, is a good trait to have in public relations. But I rarely cry about my own situations... I'll leave that to others!
  • I Think this happens many people's life and like as you many human's i know.
    caravans--caravans
  • I agree with your pops, don't ever become an adult. You can kick ass, be responsible, take on the world and still remain child-like...you can even cry when feel like it. And when you don't want to cry , you don't have to.
  • nicoleantoinette
    I think that you're either a person who cries or you're not. I am a Person Who Cries. At commercials. And YouTube videos. And really touching blog posts.

    Don't get me started on airport trips in long distance relationships. Gah. THE HORROR.
  • I think it just means you are accustomed to your life and even though you miss your family you have adopted a new one. I am not sure how I am going to feel if I move to Chicago. I guess this all depends on how the interview goes. I know to get where I want to be in my career a change is definitely needed.

    You are at a great stage in your career and you should embrace it. People move but then they come back. The safety blanket per say is changed but they will be there for you when you need them. Embrace it.
  • seanathompson
    Crying is a funny thing. I wouldn't necessarily make to much out of the fact that you didn't cry when leaving home most recently, but it probably is a sign that you're becoming more accustomed to living in Chicago.

    I was utterly sure that I would cry in the aftermath of completing my first marathon in Oct. I just had a feeling I would break down at the finish line overcome with joy after all the hard work I had put in during training. I nearly lost it while RUNNING still just thinking about crossing the finish line. But when I did finish, there were no tears. I hope it doesn't mean that I didn't appreciate the feat as much as I should have. Or maybe you're dad is right about the dehydration thing...
  • Tears are tears. Emotions are real, and you're in an interesting point in your life. Lots of change that seems to have more weight then the changes we experience while we grow up in whatever bubbles we grow up in. Those of us who were in bubbles, anyway.

    College is killer because you wake up every day and you don't have a parent nearby.

    Life after college is usually still sans-parent, but also sans the protective dorm and other hapless cohorts. People around you are doing stuff; all of sudden you're supposed to influence tomorrow.

    But what do I know. I only cry if my mother is crying. It's like a faucet switch for me.
  • Hold up there, one at a time!

    "This last time, I didn’t cry. Does that mean I’m growing up?"
    Never! Don't you ever grow up.
    Grown-ups are boring.
    You were probably dehydrated.

    "Does this mean that I’m coming to terms with only seeing my family a handful of times a year? "
    As in coming to grips with reality? I sure hope not!
    Note to self: Lay on the guilt-trip much heavier next time Sydney visits

    "Does this mean that I’m coming to terms with the commitment that I’ve made to myself and to my career? "
    No, it means you're not 6 anymore and don't scare easily
    ... like when mommy "forgot" you at the mall...or is that memory still repressed?

    "Was it because I had my best friend from Chicago with me and I didn’t want to cry in front of her?"
    Yes, and you probably reaffirmed her opinion that you are stoic and cold-hearted.

    "Why is it that the tears can be such a huge part of certain milestones – but completely absent in ones that you think would make you cry?"
    I dunno but that would make a great greeting card line. I am so stealing it.
    VERY thought-provoking


    You're going through the process of becoming the Reliably Frictionless Killer-Angel your career needs, the world wants and you were meant to be. It's a process for sure.

    ...but I cried at cheerleading competitions so consider the source
  • Best. Comment. Ever.
  • This comment OWNED this post.
  • Agreed.
  • I cried for the first 20 minutes of my car ride after leaving my home in Chicago. I was determined to turn around and spend more time at home. I could leave later right? Wrong. I wouldn't leave so I forged ahead. I've been in Los Angeles for a month and it definitely doesn't feel like I live here. I'm waiting for my "business trip" to end. Even coming home to an apartment instead of a hotel doesn't make a difference. I wonder how I'll be feeling after six months...
  • I cry, so much. Not just blubbering mess for no reason, but at any certain milestone (just like you said) or when I'm particularly moved (which can be a lot).

    Fortunately, my family didn't discourage crying when I was growing up. We all were open with our emotions and even in yoga, when I'm moved or feel gratitude, sadness, overwhelm, I might let some tears go. It's a release. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

    Like you said, I'm most surprised when I think I'm going to cry and don't. To me, that means something. Maybe I'm devoid of emotion, when I think it should be there...
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