December 3, 2009

Independence: Unfiltered.

Nice to see you again. Follow me, @SydneyOwen. Thanks for being here!

I’m independent. Really. I’m a grown-up, as much as I don’t like to admit that because I feel like I’m losing a part of myself by typing that here.

I rely on nobody but myself to get things done. Obviously the support of others is totally fantastic and OMG I LOVE ALL OF YOU THAT SUPPORT ME but at the end of the day, if shit doesn’t get done, it’s on me. Nobody else.

That part feels good.

So why is it then, that this little independent girl over here (me) just wants desperately to meet someone who wants nothing more than to take care of her (me)? I’m not talking sugar-daddy. I’ll pass. I’m talking “omg-I-love-you-so-much-that-your-happiness-is-tops-on-my-list” take care of me.

Society says I’m supposed to go to college. Well, I did that. Society says I’m supposed to go find a career. Well, I did that. I’ve always said that I want to be able to provide for myself before I get all tied up in someone else’s life. I’m providing. I’m surviving.

It’s like this. I’m in this place where I feel like I have everything, but at the end of the day, there isn’t one person that I call or see to unwind with. I have some great friends here, yes, but I’m talking about someone to just, I don’t know, share LIFE stuff with.

This week has been awesome for me, professionally and personally. Our panel was selected and I have the opportunity to speak at SXSW, which spurred an onslaught of congratulations from colleagues ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I’ve learned so much at work this week, I thank my lucky stars that I’m here. My mentors have been on super-mentor mode this week and I’m growing and learning about myself.

I’ve called my friends and family and they’re all super-pumped for me, don’t get me wrong. They know what SXSW means to me and they get it. All I want is someone who really, truly, deeply understands how much the events this week have helped me grow, and how that can help US grow. Someone who is so completely floored by this week’s events that they too can’t help but dance around like a crazy person because there is so MUCH AWESOMENESS that dancing around is the only solution.

All these new and exciting things that are happening are fun. And great. But they’d be SO MUCH BETTER if there was someone to happy dance with.

I’m impatient. I get that. I know this person will come with time, that a lot has happened in the past six months and that I should be thankful to be as happy as I am. I am happy – don’t get me wrong. I’m not sulking here, I’m just saying, at the end of the day, when it all comes down to it, that’s what I want. I want someone to share LIFE with. The good, the bad, the crazy.

The crazy part is a lot of it. To find someone who gets, understands, hell, even loves my crazy, that’s the goal.

I’m a workaholic. I’m married to my career because that is what works for me right now. I say married to my career – I mean, I’m totally committed to myself on this part. I want to do great things. I don’t know what exactly that entails – I just know I want it to be great.

I seek out extra stuff to do so I don’t have to think about it. But when I get all caught up with all the extra stuff and I have time to actually THINK about where I’m at and what I’m doing – the one part that’s missing is top of mind.

How can I turn it off? Obviously if I’m thinking about it all the time it will never happen because my thinking about it and being self-aware will likely translate to desperate and needy (I’m neither of those, by the way, just excited for the day when I do have everything).

What’s up with this feeling of never being completely satisfied? Is that going to be my downfall or is that what is going to get me through the tough stuff and standing taller once I’m through it?

  • Awesome post. I think this is one of the most difficult challenges for the more career-focused, individually-minded women. How do you balance the desire to work/live for yourself, with the desire to find someone to walk next to? When should you move, do your own thing? And when should you stay put for the sake of the relationship?
  • What’s up with this feeling of never being completely satisfied?

    Syd, my mentor and friend, what I'm about to tell you, changed my life:

    "It is human nature to always want to become more than what we are right now".

    If you look at your life, especially your life in the last 9 months, you can see that this is your nature. Could you ever stop? Could you ever NOT want to be more, learn more, experience more?

    Now look at everyone you know, aren't they all trying to get a little happier, a little healthier a little closer to God--- a little more WHATEVER.

    Once I accepted this as my nature. I became completely satisfied with this wanting. It can manifest itself in so many ways, but it is now and will always be there.

    We always aspire to become more, embrace this as your nature, and enjoy the ride.

    ~Mike
  • You. Are. So. Wise.

    Well said. Kinda peaceful to think of it that way. That's all I got.
  • Hey girl, hang in there. And also, look outside the box. My current BF is someone who I connected with on an intellectual level with way back in high school, but didn't quite fit the mold I had with my dream guy. However, I've had the best time with him and we both challenge each other. Be thankful you've done so much, it's making me get my game together for 2010.
  • More generally, I worry that I'll never be satisfied at all. With anything. Like, I'm so "more more more" that I wonder when it will be like "yes! enough!"

    And I'm terrified that either a) that won't ever happen, or b) it will happen and then what? Like, what comes next after truly being satisfied? What the hell does it feel like to get what you want and just BE HAPPY WITH IT?
  • I think it is totally reasonable to want someone in your life who totally gets you. I also think you are stable in your life to actually want that because you have all your ducks in a row. I am a bit older then you, not nearly as far in my career as you and I feel the need to hopefully have someone find me too.

    I am tired of being single as well. I think the right person will come along in time. Who knows when you go to SxSW you might find him there. Since you had such an awesome opportunity last time this could be your big chance.
  • jasontbuck
    I love this post. Not only does it have me nodding my head like yeah, it also has me in uproarious laughter as I rock out to Kevin Federline (big love to Pandora). Now, K-Fed pops into the noggin because one of the, if not THE funniest commercials of the 2007 Super Bowl stars the enigma himself. It was a Nationwide commercial where a voice over reads their tagline, "Life Comes At You Fast," as the camera pans to a dutifully employed K-Fed flipping burgers.

    Now, K-Fed's lot in the commercial (life) and the insurance tagline seem to explain your situation. It seems life has come at you quick, nay, fast. Presenting with it the feeling that because "ABC" are all hunky and dory, what the hell is wrong with "XYZ?"

    Well, "ABC" is life coming at you fast, you've accomplished no less than one shit ton in 9 months. But "XYZ" is like K-Fed's lot in life in the commercial. K-Fed shows, life may have other plans for XYZ. Damn you Britt. Take a breather, a step back, embrace what life throws at you; and maybe have a burger with a side of auto insurance.

    Dissociation is...Awesome. I need a Xanax.
  • whoa. That just blew my mind.
  • I totally understand where you're coming from. For the most part, I'm not worried about being independent, but there are those moments I wish there was someone around: when I'm sick, need light bulbs changed, have grocery bags...the things that sure, a roommate could do with you, but it's kind of awkward to ask, and same with a friend. It's the unconditional love that doesn't mind if you have food poisoning. I wish you luck, I'm sure you'll find someone who fits your unfiltered self perfectly.
  • ..and spiders, and boogeymen and hard days that you just need someone to bitch to so you can get over it. ::sigh:: someday.

    In other news, I think you're on to something. I think everyone's on to something. Just hang out, be me, and the rest will fall into place.

    Then we get back to me being impatient. And wanting all the answers RIGHT NOW.
  • When you say "I’m married to my career because that is what works for me right now. I say married to my career – I mean, I’m totally committed to myself on this part." it sort of precludes allowing someone else into your life, doesn't it? Once the white-hot fire of that has become more manageable you will have zero problem finding someone to share your accomplishments -- and stumbles -- with. You're a smart, cute, driven woman in a world where that sort of thing is appreciated. Right?
  • I say I'm married to my career because it lessens the sting that I am in fact not dating. And not okay with not dating.

    It's an excuse, a reason, an ANYTHING to keep me from thinking about how all I want is someone like I described above.

    Guess that's a Catch-22, huh?
  • Well if that's the case it's not a catch-22 at all. Just keep doing what you're doing, hanging out with the people you know while meeting new people, and it'll fall into place. You're at the very start of all this, plus you're in a new city, and this is the time you should be having fun and dating around ... not tearing out your hair looking for your one true love. That particular person will show up when it's time for them to show up. No use in trying to rush it!
  • UGH that's what I'm trying to say. Clearly I need to work on my communication skills. Not trying to find him tomorrow, hell I'm not even actively searching - I'm just saying - that's what I want and I'm excited for when it happens. But in the mean time, WHERE ARE ALL THE NON DOUCHEY GUYS AT that I can actually have a conversation with without wanting to pull my hair out?

    I guess that part goes back to what you said yesterday. Looks like my target audience isn't living in the hood I'm hanging in. I might need to venture out west to find the guys that can keep up. Yes?
  • I was about to make that same point. The neighborhood you live in isn't the kost conducive to what you're looking for.* Maybe you and Mich (@shellster129) need t talk because while your career paths are different, your experiences aren't all that far off.

    *That isn't to say WP isn't filled with a bunch of DB bars at this point either, but there are a few cool places still out there.
  • Love's sneaky. On purpose. It's not something you find, and when you can get right with the realization that you think you might be ready to share your life with someone, but you haven't met that person or time quite yet, you'll feel more comfortable knowing that it's around the corner somewhere.

    You're moving fast, and this week's an example of that. You're among a select group to get to go talk in front of the world about something you really dig. It's something you're proud of, and you should be, and you don't know exactly who shares the experience fully with you. Feeling incomplete without that piece in place isn't weird, but it's also probably part of the programming that used to lead us into early marriages or safe decisions. I'm not saying there's something wrong with either of those things, but I sense that you're becoming someone who has the confidence to really push the envelope.

    I used to feel like I was missing out on sharing the good stuff with someone, and that whoever that someone was would be 'behind' when I finally found them. I was wrong; the good stuff (and the bad stuff) go on forever, and all that's happening is you're becoming the person that someone will deeply love someday. Some day you're least expecting it.

    Just keep becoming you. Walk through the day Living your life, because yours is a life that someone you love will decide to share with you, and you're making it what that person is getting as part of the deal.
  • "Just keep becoming you. Walk through the day Living your life, because yours is a life that someone you love will decide to share with you, and you're making it what that person is getting as part of the deal."

    Okay, that's it. Brilliant! How is it so simple now that I read it but I spend years wondering WHEN THE HELL ITS GOING TO HAPPEN.

    I got nothing. Seriously. When you put it like you put it up there, it's so freaking easy.

    Now if only I could tell my brain to STFU already.
  • Honestly, lady, I don't think we're programmed to be completely satisfied. I was talking to a dear mentor of mine this morning about constantly seeking external validation and wanting someone to just love the crap outta me, and she said, "You know, you'd be a bad person if you didn't care or want that."

    It's okay to want more, and to want to meet a great, great person, too. That's not a bad thing. Meeting greatness, though, does take sacrifice and prioritizing and making room within yourself to allow it to happen. Know what I mean?

    You're so young, Sydney (says the 27-year-old). Give it time. You just made all these amazing things happen for yourself in 9 MONTHS. That's incredible. Revel in that success for a bit because what you've accomplished is a lot to process.

    You're absolutely allowed to want more -- that will keep you moving. Letting that desire consume you, though, is what can be hurtful.

    (And on that same thread, remember that it can't always be sunshine and puppies and you're so allowed [and supposed] to have those tough, all-consuming "DAMNIT I WANT THIS!" moments. Just don't let them last too long, okay?)
  • You're right. I need to breathe. Live it. Enjoy the success. I think because of how much that has happened in the past 9 months that I've become accustomed to greatness happening rapidly and now I want XYZ because I already have ABC.

    I love the DAMNIT I WANT THIS moments because it reminds me that there is still more to life - that I'm not complacent with where I'm at.

    You're good, you. Real good.
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