He’s Just Not That Into You: Unfiltered.

I’ve gotten kinda ballsy in the last couple weeks, not gonna lie. I’ve been writing about stuff that matters to me, going out on a couple little excursions for drinks as a result of a blog post, and just really letting it rip on the writing. That’s my soul you see here. You’re welcome. :)

Last night, I got some exciting news that I wanted to share with someone that I know would fully understand the nerdy version of cloud nine that I was quickly progressing to. So I invited Mr. This-Guy-Totally-Gets-Me-And-Won’t-Be-Embarrassed-When-I-Squeal-Like-The-Total-Nerd-That-I-Am for a couple beers after work (and that just took me like three minutes to type – I need to break up with the hyphen, it’s taking over my life).

I was provided with a list of reasons why he couldn’t come. He forgot to mention that I only gave him like an hour’s notice for this rendezvous – which if he had actually said that, I wouldn’t have gone into an overanalyzing-every-reason-and-comparing-it-to-the-book-about-how-he’s-not-into-me oblivion.

Were the reasons legit? Probably. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, yes, they were. How does that saying go? Fool me once, shame on you… Anyway, that saying doesn’t really apply here but for a split second I thought it did. Now on with it.

So my moment, yes. I’m all about giving the benefit of the doubt in these situations but then society (read: Greg Berehndt) tells me that his reasons (which Greg likes to call excuses) mean that “he’s just not that into me” that he would grab a beer with me after work if he liked me, regardless of what he had going on at home.

I want to call Greg’s bluff and punch him in the face, but I also want to hide behind the simplicity of the “he’s just not that into you” school of thought. It’s so easy to assume he’s not that into you and to move on. It’s “empowering” to know that if someone gives you a laundry list of reasons why they can’t meet you on such short notice, that you can chalk it up to him not being into you.

I think I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities for something great because I used to swear up and down by this philosophy. I think I might have tossed aside some good potential love interests because of one missed step that fell under the “he’s just not that into me” category.

But what if he IS into you? What if you are all about Greg’s mantra that if he’s not trying to sleep with you, then he’s not into you, and you miss out on someone because they might have ACTUALLY BEEN BUSY? Or, maybe he feels the EXACT SAME WAY AS YOU DO but for one reason or another, isn’t in a place to pursue those feelings?

That’s a whole different kind of animal, when you know you both feel the same way but there isn’t room to pursue or there isn’t a point in pursuing it. I was damn near head over heels for my best friend in Tampa before I moved but the timing was SO SHITTY. I had just found out that I was moving to Chicago in four months and I didn’t want to start a relationship before I left. His reasoning was that we should enjoy the time we had together, mine was that my heart couldn’t go through four fantastic months before moving day and then turn off all emotion when I got to Chicago. Do I regret not pursuing it? Perhaps I’ll never know. Do I think twice about hesitating now? Obviously.

How do you decode all of this communication? Especially now that we have so many ways to communicate? Where are the lines? Are there lines? Are we all supposed to pursue people until they think we’re batshit crazy and get a restraining order or when is enough, enough? When do you stop trying? Do you try? Or do you just sit around and wait for them to come to you?

Oh yeah, you ask them. Scary? Sure. But try it. It’s pretty sweet. If the guy lashes out and calls you a freak for wanting open communication – then he’s not that great of a guy to begin with. If, ::gasp:: he responds maturely – maybe you’re doing better on picking winners than you thought, regardless of his answer.

PS – I asked the guy who was busy last night if he’s just not that into me or if he was legit busy. Because I’m an adult. And so is he. And now we’re on the same page.

END SCENE.

  • http://www.dshan.me/blog DShan

    “If the guy lashes out and calls you a freak for wanting open communication – then he’s not that great of a guy to begin with. If, ::gasp:: he responds maturely – maybe you’re doing better on picking winners than you thought, regardless of his answer.”

    See, that's the run these days…I think our dating instinct is stuck in the past. We used to actually plan phone calls because we shared a phone with our entire family. We didn't understand intonation and nuance within email so it wasn't an acceptable way to communicate/flirt/have real conversations. Time moved slower. People weren't a text, phone call, click, poke, or blog post away.

    (Still waiting for Facebook poke to show it's true value, btw)

    It's not that we can all just let it ride online and be done with it, but with more distance between people, there's more room for misunderstanding and quite simply, less communication going on. These days there's almost nothing between two people and some form of communication or expression, so reaching out and testing the waters is a lot easier. You don't really have to 'play games' or infer.

    I know the nuances of dating don't just go away. The intrigue of flirting and the value of speaking with action are not gone.

    But there's also a lot more room for playing above the table.

    And you rock for having the guts to do so.

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Well thank you. :)

    I think you're spot on about the dating instinct being stuck in the past. Stuck in the past and riddled with books that make you think you're batshit crazy for wondering, but convincing you that actually communicating makes you a certified nut job.

    I say let it ride. What do you have to lose?

    That conversation is one that needs to be had in MANY circumstances. I wish more chicks had the guts to bring it up (and not in a nutty way) so we could start moving out of the past and into a future where open communication is the standard, not a special occasion.

    Thanks for being here. Really.

  • http://www.BeyondThePedway.com Tim Jahn

    “We used to actually plan phone calls because we shared a phone with our entire family.”

    I love that analogy (well I guess it isn't an analogy, since it's 100% true). It's amazing how far we've come in terms of technology assisting us, yet at the same time how far back we've regressed. Especially with personal communication.

    On an unrelated note, Sydney, if you grabbed a camera and started this all LonelyGirl15 style, I think you'd be on to something. Seriously.

  • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

    Ok, so here it is. David’s brutal honesty on your situation. Ready?

    I for one could not believe when the “He’s Just Not That Into You” book came out that women everywhere were left in aww and finally got it! Were they really that clueless all these years until Greg Berehndt came along and laid it on the line? I felt like yelling, “are you fucking kidding me!”

    I mean to me, it is obvious when a guy likes a girl and when he doesn’t. But then, I’m a guy so of course the “he’s just not that into you” line makes total sense. I recognized it for years, long before Greg Berehndt made it the cool excuse for women to throw around at the nail salon with their girlfriends.

    Keep in mind that we are all individuals and while MOST men may follow certain rules, some others may vary a bit. So while I can’t speak for you dude in question here, I can speak for myself and I’ll tell you how a girl should read me. AKA, a typical guy?

    First off, any guy should be totally flattered to be asked out by a girl, whether he’s into her or not. Second, if she asks me out and I truly can’t make it but I like her, I will immediately ask her out for another day/time. Did he do that? If not, he may just not be into you.

    Second, now there is a chance he’s into you, was busy, and simply dropped the ball by not asking for a rain check. If that’s the case, he needs to work on his game.

    Third, I don’t care how busy or how tired you are, if a girl asks you to go up to her apartment – YOU GO! The only time you would not go is if you were G-A-Y. Men will always, ALWAYS turn down sleep for sex. Always! Did I say always? Yeah, always. (And I’m sorry but a guy will go up to your apartment whether he is into you or not. He’s into sex. Therefore he goes.)

    You’ve made your interest in him clear, crystal clear in fact. You’ve ever asked him out! So now your job is done. He has the message and the balls is in his court now. He can either shoot and score with it, or take a seat on the pine and let someone else sub in. Either way, you keep your chin up Sydney because there is some guy out there that would love to play on your court. (I was a gentleman and left the obvious hardwood floors basketball joke out. You’re welcome.)

    End novel.

    PS (Please peruse this post of mine written awhile back – Love In The Digital Age. I think it will provide you with some more insight. Hopefully I’ve helped some.)

    http://diamondkt.blogspot.com/2009/05/love-in-d

  • http://www.lifewithoutpants.com Matt Cheuvront

    I agree with Tim here. I think the written word doesn't do your emotional style of writing justice. Something to think about for sure.

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    I love brutal honesty in all shapes and sizes, in fact, I seek out brutally honest people and surround myself with them because it keeps me REAL. So thank you.

    As for playing on my court – I feel like I should have everyone that I interact with in real life sign a disclaimer stating that they understand that our conversations and experiences may be subject to becoming blog content. You know, for legal reasons.

    In other news, your post is fab. And I'm probably going to go be a commentfiend over there. Excuse me.

    I'd like this post to turn into a bunch of digital guys telling me what is wrong with my situation and how to look at it. I've seen a couple different perspectives on this one – and I'm interested in what everybody has to say about it. Not the situation specifically, but about communication, etc.

    Now I'm trotting over to your post to soak up some good David knowledge.

    Thanks for the honesty – it makes my brain smile.

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Having a hard time understanding the LonelyGirl15 stuff – I'm reading up on it now but haven't figured out how that would work.

  • http://www.BeyondThePedway.com Tim Jahn

    I'm thinking video blog style. You, in your room, wherever, just video blogging these posts. I read your posts and keep thinking how they feel like you on camera, talking to me. In a Gary V way, for reference.

    Just food for thought. Could flop completely. :)

  • http://abattylife.com/ ElizCron

    Great post Sydney. Dating can be such a emotional rollercoaster! When I was single, the rule of thumb I lived by was if I reached out to a guy and he didn't accept my offer, then I backed off and waited for him to take the lead. If he liked me, he'd usually call within a couple days.

    So many times in the dating world it seems like people want dates, first kisses, and the rest of their lives to happen NOW! Or if it doesn't look like that's going to happen, they want answers. IMO people just need to give situations some time (like more than 24 hours after meeting lol) and it will usually all work out.

    My advice would be to let this guy reach out to you to make the next move. You've already put yourself out there (major kudos!), so let him man up and meet you half way.

  • http://20hoursaday.blogspot.com/ mike siete cinco

    You are a ballsy chick. That's all I have to say about that.

    Alright, one other thing. Not many people, including men, have a huge set of balls like you, it's a very rare thing indeed. But for someone who is so bold, it is an impossibility to be any other way, it's simply too painful to play a game when you know that all you have to do is ask.

    I think a lot of Men will be taken aback by this, but once you have flirted, and danced around the issue and had fun, and you really, really want to know that's when you do exactly what you did. You ask.

  • http://brandonzeman.com brandonzeman

    I'm with David. Pretty much everything he said is spot on. Maybe said guy has a secret girlfriend you don't know about? And since we're all about honesty over here, is it possible he's reading all this shenanigans on your blog? I'd be a little flattered, but slightly more creeped out by how 'excited' you are over me. Aaaaaand I'm sure this post won't help that fact, either. But, all guys ARE different, so maybe he'll get a kick out of his secret-celebrity status. You do have a great writing style, but I think it would be cool to take it to video. This kind of content isn't necessarily my cup of tea, but I'm sure I'd check it out :)

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    I have that book on my coffee table. Sometimes I think the women I've known are deluded and make so many excuses for the men in their lives' excuses. “Oh he can't come meet me because he has to do bills,” (when he has turned her down for a drink two times). Stuff like that. But in your case, this is a one time thing and also, maybe his reasons are legitimate. I give the benefit of the doubt too.

    Plus, my mantra is “Cut the bullshit.” You just ask, you're upfront, it's scary but it works. I also try to not read into it too much, ha, but most women do. I try to let it be until it happens again and then I re assess. Wait, does me writing this comment just show me analyzing even when I said not to analyze? HA!

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Brandon – nice to see you here.

    Said guy knows the posts are about him, as do most of the people commenting here.

    But while the posts are inspired by those events – most of the posts in the past week are more about the issues at hand – not the experiences I've had with said guy directly.

    I wrote about mindcrushes, and that spurred an intense series of blog posts from myself, Jenny, Jamie, and others.

    I wrote about finding people who get it, who get you, who help you grow. Yes, the post was inspired by grabbing a few beers with Mr. Mindcrush, but the message of the post was more about learning about yourself.

    Yesterday's post was about falling too fast vs. finding someone who loves how fast you fall – not at all indicating that I'm batshit crazy for Mr. Mindcrush, but rather challenging people to think about how they fall.

    Today's post, though inspired by a conversation with Mr. Mindcrush – was about not hiding behind the excuses, but encouraging, and expecting open communication.

    And that all ties back in to the part about you being potentially creeped out. I hear ya. I might be too. But everyone who is in my life in some capacity knows that this blog exists, and that I'm extremely passionate in the subjects I write about – and that most posts are inspired by conversations with a variety of people.

    Thanks for being here – despite this kind of content not being your “cup of tea”. :)

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    I'm digging everything you're saying and giving a virtual echo and high five. Well said, Grace, as usual. :)

  • http://colbywg.com Colby Gergen

    Sydney, please allow me to impart a personal philosophy of mine onto your comments.

    HEY GUYS, ASK A GIRL OUT ON A DATE, A REAL PICK-HER-UP-TAKE-HER-OUT-SWOON-HER-OFF-HER-FEET-WITH-SWEETNESS-AND-CHIVALRY DATE. (note the hyphens)

    If you're into her, that is. I don't know if it's me, Missouri, being in college, or whatever, but it seems like nobody does first dates anymore. If you're scared about her saying 'no', two things: 1) who gives a shit? get over it and move on, 2) in my experience, said girl is impressed by the whole asking-out-on-a-first-date phenomenon that they'll at least give you one chance (and make sure you take that chance and run with it! Run Forrest Run!). Yes, this is not a new rant for me. I could write a small book on why gen-Y is failing with relationships.

    Props to you, Sydney, for having the balls (figuratively) to ask the guy. And no disrespect meant to unnamed fellow, either. Different situations, different times, and I've got no idea where you're coming from, so this wasn't a rant on you, but as our generation as a whole.

  • http://twitter.com/Jason_Buck Jason Buck

    Is he not that into you? Or is he just the smartest pick-up artist since the great John Forbes Nash Jr. (the subject of the biography A Beautiful Mind) showed us the power of cognitive dissonance in attracting a mate. YOU work hard to woo Mr. “This-Guy-Totally-Gets-Me-And-Won’t-Be-Embarrassed-When-I-Squeal-Like-The-Total-Nerd-That-I-Am” that by the time he accepts your advances he's in like the proverbial Flynn.

    In popular culture, which every male/female should watch before attempting to mate this philosophy gets an entire movie based on its premise. In the Tao of Steve, the third tenet which is ” “We desire that which retreats from us.”

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Welcome to my world! Glad you stopped by. As far as the pickup-artist shit goes, I'm pretty sure that's not the sitch here – but in the event that it were, I'd be totally turned off. In case you haven't noticed – I'm not one for playing games. I like to keep things crystal clear – and the whole pickup artist thing sounds like a huge headache.

    And I'm totally in love with your abbreviation of the longest-hyphenated-nickname-ever. You're brilliant.

    Please come back. I like you. :)

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Colby, you are a rising star. And I want to be a part of it. So I'm going to commentfiend all over your blog. That being said, what a fabulous use of CAPS LOCK and hyphens. I think breaking up with the hyphen may be harder than I thought. It packs such a punch, you know?

    I agree that the first date has been lost in translation. Check out Nicole's blog post about how to survive the hookup culture. It's spot-freakin-on with what you're saying here.

    Thanks for the props – and feel free to rant over here any time. I'll probably do some ranting of my own when I'm tired of being Miss Merryweather Sunshine. :)

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Welcome to my world! Glad you stopped by. As far as the pickup-artist shit goes, I'm pretty sure that's not the sitch here – but in the event that it were, I'd be totally turned off. In case you haven't noticed – I'm not one for playing games. I like to keep things crystal clear – and the whole pickup artist thing sounds like a huge headache.

    And I'm totally in love with your abbreviation of the longest-hyphenated-nickname-ever. You're brilliant.

    Please come back. I like you. :)

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Colby, you are a rising star. And I want to be a part of it. So I'm going to commentfiend all over your blog. That being said, what a fabulous use of CAPS LOCK and hyphens. I think breaking up with the hyphen may be harder than I thought. It packs such a punch, you know?

    I agree that the first date has been lost in translation. Check out Nicole's blog post about how to survive the hookup culture. It's spot-freakin-on with what you're saying here.

    Thanks for the props – and feel free to rant over here any time. I'll probably do some ranting of my own when I'm tired of being Miss Merryweather Sunshine. :)

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  • http://www.dmbosstone.com/ Patrick

    This is a really interesting post because I've written about this idea from the male perspective. I liked this girl that was also too busy.

    The Single Life: The Washing My Hair Theory