November 24, 2009

Falling: Unfiltered.

Nice to see you again. Follow me, @SydneyOwen. Thanks for being here!

I’ve said since I started writing that every trip I take changes me. Every single one teaches me something about myself, helps me see something more clearly, or just in general, allows me to grow into the person I’m destined to become. In the past, my vacations have been centered around times that require some heavy decision-making. This trip, since there is nothing urgent that needs deciding, I fear that I won’t have that experience.

I’ve made a lot of important life decisions sitting in this chair by the pool at the house in Florida. Today, however, there is no pressing decision to be made. Today – I can reflect.

You can thank my mom for the topic. Last night after I opened the envelope from USF that had my degree in it, we were in the living room just chatting about how much has changed in the last year. I mentioned that my old roommate and her boyfriend were celebrating their one year anniversary last week. My mom didn’t say anything at the time. She later reminded me of where I was a year ago. What I was writing about.

A year ago, I was writing about “the soldier”. My roommate’s boyfriend’s younger brother. He was complicated, and at the time, I was still into the guys that are projects. The ones that have some kind of issue that my maternal instinct convinces me isn’t a deal breaker, but is in fact an endearing quality that I can mend. Or alter a bit. Or completely change. (I’ve since decided that I don’t date projects, and that I don’t try to change men.)

The Soldier was an alcoholic, and he traced back his drinking problems to his two tours in Iraq. Having never been in the desert, the military, never fired a gun or killed anybody, I couldn’t really relate, so I let it slide. He drank an entire bottle of Jack (or Early Times) when we would hang out. This slipped when I was telling my mom about him and I actually defended him saying “well, it’s like the 375 ML, not a whole 750″. Really Sydney? That’s ridiculous. We dated for maybe two months. Maybe.

But the Soldier was the closest thing I had to actual emotion since the last guy I dated. It was nice to know I could still feel after having the rug ripped out from underneath me and my heart thrown in a blender with the guy before him. I think that’s why I stayed with him for as long as I did (yeah, I know two months is NOTHING but for me it was SOMETHING, ANYTHING). I was hooked on the roller coaster ride I was going through, wondering if he was interested, confirming his interest, wondering why he drank so much, having him open up to me about the war, etc. I had shut off emotion completely after the last guy I dated so this was like a rebirth. Kinda.

In the end, he thought I was falling too hard, too fast. Maybe I was. I thought it was a problem so I turned it off again. I’ve since realized that you can’t turn that off. If you fall, you fall. If you scare away some people in the process, then so be it. It’s going to happen. We’ve all been interested in someone and not had the feelings reciprocated. It sucks. It’s embarrassing. I blush like crazy when I think about those moments, but you know what? It happens.

But I think the right person, the person who is worth it, is going to love that I love so hard. That I put my entire heart and soul into it. The right person won’t think it’s scary, but will instead be relieved because maybe he’s the same way. Maybe he’s had to rein it in before, water it down, filter it a bit so he doesn’t scare her off.

So here’s to being Unfiltered. To no reins. To not watering it down when it happens. And to the moments that teach me about myself one way or another. I live for those moments.

Is it possible to fall “too hard” or is it simply a matter of finding someone who isn’t terrified of how hard you fall?

  • I loved this post - I am a new reader to your blog and I really love the open and personal way that you convey your emotions to your readers. I loved it! I have also been in that situation before. It's very hard to be the type of person that likes projects, because projects drain you, overwhelm you, etc. But its good that you have the type of self-awareness it takes to see these things for what they really are. Awesome.
  • I can totally relate.

    I have been having a "situation" and he is a blatant alcoholic and he lives at home and is basically silent when he isn't drinking. He does not talk to me and the only time I hear from him is when he is drinking. I keep trying to break this situation and I am working to NOT get involved emotionally because a 41 year old should not be living at home with no motivation to move out and to drink too much every day. Just it seems I can not break this situation even though I know logically it isn't worth it.
  • I too used to date "projects." I think part of me wanted the challenge of being Superman, thinking I could save her. I wanted to reap that reward. To believe I could make a difference in her life and bring her change for the better. Simply said - I was stupid. It didn’t work and in fact blew up in my face and dragged me down with her in the process. Project relationships are exhausting!

    Enough! I say no more projects. I want a girl who has her shit together. A girl that doesn’t need "saving"...but if she has a heavy box she needs me to move, a picture frame to hang, or a Boogie Man who needs beatup in her closet, I’m your man.

    I hear you on the scary unrequited feelings part. I’ve been on both ends and both ends equally suck. However, if you don’t lay it all out there and say how you truly feel, then how will you ever know if they feel the same way? Almost every guy will hold back more than a girl will. So it’s nice if a girl gets that dialog going first. I say, try me. Tell me how you feel and I’ll tell you if the feeling is mutual. Then we can go from there.
  • Totally agree that dating projects is futile. Just one thing I wanted to say about your first paragraph - I think it *could* be a misconception (maybe not yours, but for others) that you can EITHER date a "fixer-upper" and make a big difference in their life OR date a girl who has her shit together and have less of an impact.

    As one of the latter, I would add that you/men can ABSOLUTELY make a difference, make our lives better, inspire us to grow bigger, do more, be more (while still taking care of boogy men, heavy boxes, spiders, etc). My hope is that as equally "with it" women, we can do the same for you. Hence my post earlier this week about BOTH parties bringing something to the table.
  • I don’t like spiders. I hate killing them, especially the ones that crack. But if that is a required man duty that I must takeover in a relationship, so be it. I’ll man up and squish a creepy crawler. (I’m not going to like it though.)
  • To your point in the second paragraph - all of those things are required of people in my life in general, but definitely a requirement of any men that stick around in my life. I need someone to keep me in line, help me with bugs and keep me motivated and inspired. Tall order? Maybe. Worth it when I meet him? Hell to the yeah.
  • LOL "I want a girl who has her shit together". YES! Projects are a time and energy-suck. But I will definitely need help opening a pickle jar and/or getting something off of that top shelf in my cabinet in the kitchen that I just throw things in because I can't actually reach it.

    I think it's the telling people thing that gets me. That can go really well or horribly. "Hey I'm into you" is often misread as OMG-I-can't-imagine-life-without-you-even-though-we've-only-hung-out-once, when in fact, what "hey I'm into you" means, at least when I say it, just that. It's annoying. I think so many people are batshit crazy and don't know how to handle this situation that when you run into someone like me (or you) who does, they assume that you too are batshit crazy and freak out and bounce - because they think you're already trying on wedding dresses.

    If I say I'm into you, I want to hang out. I want to see how into you I really am, because my heart and my mind and the rest of my existence aren't always on the same page. Sometimes my heart is dying to feel something. Sometimes my brain, in all of its analyzing, skips a couple steps and thinks there is something there worth pursuing. So when I actually come out and say "hey, I'm into you, let's hang out" it's really just me trying to get all of the parts in sync.
  • See Sydney, that’s refreshing to hear that you are one of the rare girls that says exactly what she means and means exactly what she says. However, here is the bad news - not all girls are like that. I may even be so bold to say that almost all girls aren’t like that. Girls speak in code. They say one thing, but really mean something else. For example: "No, you can go out with the boys tonight, I don’t mind." Really that translates to..."You won’t go out with the boys again tonight if you know what is good for you!"

    So be angry at your fellow woman. They have created this unspoken rule in the minds of men that says “hey this girl may be saying this, but she really means that!”

    Now when a girl says "hey I’m into you," we tend to think what she really means in girl-speak is "OMG I want to have your baby and I’ve already begun planning our weddings and naming both our kids and the dog!"

    That's when I begin to tremble and little bit of pee trickles down my leg.
  • Excuse me, but guys talk in code, as well. And, we have our own interpretation of what the guy means. You say hi to me in a bar, I think you want only one thing. And it's not for me to mother your children, I'll tell you that. You get our numbers and you never call. You guys are just as cryptic as us women.

    And, the only thing to do is just KNOW that the code exists and hope to find someone that can speak your language. We're not supposed to be compatible with everyone and I'm looking forward to meeting someone who's issues want to have babies with my issues.
  • "Excuse me, but guys talk in code, as well. And, we have our own interpretation of what the guy means. You say hi to me in a bar, I think you want only one thing. And it's not for me to mother your children, I'll tell you that. You get our numbers and you never call. You guys are just as cryptic as us women."

    And your point is? That's not code. That's called truth serum. ;)

    There's no hidden message when a guy says hi to you in a bar. There’s nothing to decipherer. No code. It means EXACTLY what you think it means - AKA, I want to bang you and never call you.

    Sheesh Jamie, you have lots to learn. ;)
  • Man, you're right. How did I ever become so clueless?

    Imagine that I thought maybe a guy would say hi to me in a bar because he wanted to GET TO KNOW ME. I'm so naive.
  • Well if it makes you feel better, I think the bar scenario works the same way for both sexes.

    I doubt many girls say hi to me in a bar because they're interested in my brain.
  • Yeah, we're all after one thing. We might as well all just fess up to it.
  • THANK YOU. AMEN. BRAVO.

    Blog post about boys and girls and code to come. I don't want to be selfish in the comments - I want to respond to this with a big fat post dedicated to the topic.
  • I'm with David. It's almost always in code. ;)
  • There is absolutely no question that controlling your heart is futile. We're beasts of community, of love and connection. We spend a lot of our youth hoping to fit ourselves into whatever social construct we happen to find attractive; adolescent priority is often on fitting in, which is the antithesis to figuring out who you really are.

    Your heart will always tweak around a certain type of person...that type of person will change as you grow up, your heart learns its lessons, and you build the pieces of your own self-awareness. The 'way you are' and the 'way you love' is as much a part of what it means to be the happiest version of yourself as anything else.

    Love's jester is Time. It's not about loving the right Amount. There are many, many relationships out there that start, end, and/or never do either of those things purely because of time and timing. You're not ready. He's not ready. Lessons haven't been learned. Priorities are skewed. We've all seen the ugly underbelly of time, and many of us blame ourselves or the other people involved.

    I really think having the confidence of heart to just keep on loving and learning is the way to kick it.

    But what do I know:)
  • The controlling your heart thing is what I can't wrap my head around. I think I know what you mean but then I get all crazy-analyze-every-possible-angle-of-that-statement-so-I-can-understand-the-brilliance and get lost.

    Controlling your heart - does that mean censoring it? Does it mean turning it off? Does it mean just going for it? At what point in time are you getting crazy and and what point in time do you keep pushing forward? If there is a line that could be crossed, at what point in time do you just say to yourself "Hey Sydney (or Dshan or Jenny or INSERT NAME HERE), how about you knock it off with this FEELING thing because you're scaring everyone in the room?" or, on the flip side, "Hey, self, why don't you suck it up and let it all out, because nobody will know if you keep it all inside?"
  • Haha...we're all crazy. Falling in love is two people finding friendship, attraction, and a future together while loving one another's crazy.

    I think we overthink the process of falling in love, because every time I've found myself in a relationship that I couldn't stop staring at, I've seen the beginning of it in retrospect. If up until this point, I've never seen all my best relationships for what they were when they began, then why assume I'll ever know what's up until it's up?

    Healthy relationships, friendship or romantic, always seem to have an urgency coming from both sides. I guess I feel as if the times that I take my crush/interest/excitement and try to create more out of it in any sort of calculated, controlled, or influenced way, it not only fails but it has more to do with my own state of mind/heart than it does with the other person or our potential/compatibility.

    Aaaaand, I have NO idea if that 'answered' your questions.

    :)
  • nicoleantoinette
    I'm head over crazy in love with this comment.
  • You should take that comment on a date, then!

    (I mean, thanks!)
  • To your point of over-thinking the process - you're right. But how can we not when it's been pushed down our throats that we're supposed to do it one way, but then you get an inkling of a thought that you've come across it and it's not the way it's supposed to happen. Of course we'll over-think it.

    I've admittedly probably missed out on a lot of opportunities for love because the "story" wasn't right. I've had this ideal story in my mind that I will tell my kids/grandkids/sister's kids someday about how "I met your father/grandfather" and if the real-life situation doesn't play out right, then I get discouraged and it goes downhill from there.

    I think, too, that the urgency is what can totally fuel the process or kill it. I can't stop the urgency, and I've stopped trying. If I want to hang out with someone, potentially develop that relationship (platonic or romantic) I want to do it like, yesterday. I don't want to wait, or play games or wonder how long I'm supposed to wait to call/be called/texted/emailed/gchatted, etc. So if both sides are feeling that urgency - then it could be awesome. And if it's one-sided, then it could suck, and that ties in with my comments below to David's point.

    Me saying I want to hang doesn't mean that I'm already trying on wedding dresses. I just want to hang out. (and there's more on that part below)
  • Let me preface this comment by saying that I'm with DShan on the "what the HELL do I know about this topic" train (but his comments are always so brilliant anyway that I'm a little speechless).

    I am with Jamie - if you can't let go of the reigns, love hard, and be yourselves then what's the point? For me, as with many things, I have to do it in baby steps. It's too scary all at once. And I don't know that I've ever truly given 100% in a love relationship. So I love the idea of two people who feel open and relieved with each other instead of protective and closed off - and can then take the leap together, like Matt said.

    I also agree with DShan that controlling your heart is futile. As much as we'd (I'd) like to think we can give it marching orders and tell it what to do, we can't. The control freak in me is learning to be okay with that (in relationships and beyond).

    Falling Unfiltered? One day. Until then, I'll just be over in my corner of the blogging world talking about FEELINGS. ;-)
  • I, too, know nothing about it besides what I'm feeling, or, well, could potentially feel. So that's why I call on you fine people to throw around some awesome advice and thoughts and insight.

    Blogging about it is the first step, I think. I think if people know I'm capable of feeling and I'm not an ice-queen who has no emotion that I'll be better suited to be able to unleash this beast that is my heart. Until then, I'm totally okay with writing it out for the world to read - because it helps me learn about myself.

    I too love the idea of being relieved (and excited) to see someone. That would be pretty freakin' sweet.

    LOVE YOUR FACE!
  • "Unleash this beast that is my heart." CLASSIC! I LOVE YOUR FACE!!
  • I say a different variation of the classic "I love your face" remark.

    But, I won't say it here. It's not very gentleman-like.
  • Damn! Didn't mean to reply inline, but whatevs. You get the point. Somehow I'm an idiot when it comes to using Disqus on your blog!

    HEARTS GALORE. <3!
  • "But I think the right person, the person who is worth it, is going to love that I love so hard. That I put my entire heart and soul into it."

    If they don't, what's the point?
  • Wow I was going to say you can fall too hard but that was just from the question on Twitter, before actually reading the post. Now I'm convinced you (a person) just need someone who is as into you as you are them. I've only been on the other side of this though, and I realized after about 3 months that she was far more into me than I was her (that sounds terrible). At least you two nipped it in the bud early, I waited another 5 months before ending it.

    I think we all deserve to be cherished by someone else, as much or moreso than we cherish them. Great post Sydney
  • I love looking back and seeing where I am now and how I've changed. It's a constant reminder that we can't predict the future and that life is always in motion, so we can never really be "stuck." Like Hunter S. Thompson said, "Buy the ticket, take the ride." Here's to no reins, cheers ;)
  • Sydney I am totally the same way. I've always believed than when something was right you knew immediately, so when I feel for a guy it was within a day or a week of meeting. I was never able to be friends first, because isn't love supposed to sweep us off our feet? Mere hours after meeting my boyfriend I told my mom that he was the one - but I was scared to tell him because what if he thought I was crazy and didn't want to take it further and then the love of my life would be gone forever?

    "But I think the right person, the person who is worth it, is going to love that I love so hard. That I put my entire heart and soul into it. The right person won’t think it’s scary, but will instead be relieved because maybe he’s the same way." Jeff loved that I fell so fast - because it meant that he wasn't the only one feeling the connection. We said 'I love you' in a week, plans to marry and a promise ring within a month. While it's been almost 4 years and I'm still waiting for the real ring, I don't for a second regret being a fast faller. Yeah, some guys thought I was crazy but it lead me to a real man, someone who didn't care that I was emotional or superstitious or willing to marry him 3 weeks after our first hello. All I can say is it's SO worth it in the end, the few lame ones along the way just become distant memories.
  • My dad has always told me, "when you know, you know". I love hearing stories like yours (and my parents') because it sheds some light on the fact that it's out there, and it's possible. Thanks Ashley!
  • Great post Sydney. And I think you hit the nail right on the head here. Ya know, we're alike in a lot of ways--I've been in several "serious" relationships and fallen hard. But I'm sure you (like me) don't regret a second of dating those bad apples who made you realize what you need in a good one. Needless to say, falling hard is awesome when the person falls just as hard right back. Definitely don't filter yourself. If it feels right, then go for it. I finally found my good apple. You will too.
  • The bad apples are some of the best moments and memories of my life. I've learned a lot about myself, and it seems that the more extreme the situation, the more devastating that it is, the stronger I come out on the other side. Safe to say my list of requirements for a relationship are pretty demanding, but I've been through enough garbage to know what I do and don't want. Thanks for being here!
  • Well versed Sydney. Love is a weird thing, isn't it? When it's real, when it's "unfiltered" as you describe above. There are no rules, there is no "falling too hard". You get to let yourself go and fall hard as hell, together. It's a beautful thing. My fiance is the best thing to ever happen to me - she's the first woman I've ever felt completely and entirely 100% myself with - and I fell hard, fast. It may have taken me a few years to actually get down on one knee, but it didn't take long at all to know she is the one.

    I respect your honesty and genuine spirit here Sydney. You have a good heart - it's apprarent in the way you write. And like me or not, I'll always respect you and relate to you because, well, our situations this year have been so darn similar. We've both overcome a lot of adversity to get to where we are right now.

    Good things here...
  • It amazes me how far we travel (emotionally) when 'big' things happen to us. The spring semester of my Junior year in college was a very defining moment for me and was the hardest journey I've ever taken - emotionally. But the moment I realized I was in control of the situation, and that I could either be the victim or the creator - my life changed for the better.

    You are obviously a creator, because look at where you are now!

    I think I learned more about who I am during college than I did about the information studied and knowledge from the classroom. And I think that's a huge part of the young adult experience.

    As cheesy as it sounds, you can't love anyone else (fully) until you love yourself. And that, like all relationships - takes time.

    I commend you for being so transparent about a subject like this. It's something I think a lot of females (and maybe some males too) experience in college or as a young adult. Falling can be a good or bad thing depending on what we land on. Sometimes it's our heads, sometimes it's our feet. But personalities such as yours (and I would think mine) ALWAYS bounce back - and through it all - we move forward to the next big life lesson.

    Congrats on being so unfiltered - if I had an award to give for best transparent young professional blog, you would totally rock it.
  • I don't know if it is the actual content of this comment or the fact that I read it at the perfect time in my hectic morning, but I got a little teary when I read it, Samantha. Thankfully I have an office with a door that was closed at the time. The victim vs. creator thing is a battle that I have with myself about almost anything that's remotely negative - thanks for putting words with a thought process I've been dealing with for a long time!
  • These words really spoke to me. They're the lyrics from the Switchfoot song "Yet." I feel like it is in the hardest times -- when we break down, when we fall -- that we emerge anew, even stronger.

    If it doesn’t break your heart, it isn’t love.
    It’s when you’re breaking down with your insides coming out,
    It’s when you find out what your heart is made up of.
  • Honestly, I sincerely hope it's the latter because I'm a "fall hard and fast" sort of girl, too. I'm sure the right, uberloving guy is out there for you, and each day gets you a little closer to him. Beautiful post, Sydney.
  • "Uberloving" could be the coolest word I've heard yet. That's totally going on my mental list of things I need. Uberlove. :) Thanks for being here Teresa, and thanks for the kind words about the post.
  • I recommend listening to Dan Savage's podcast this week for the answer to that question. One girl calls in with just that problem and his advice is perfect.

    It goes without saying the podcast itself is VERY NSFW, but if you fast-forward to the 00:19:08 mark that's the call I'm referring to.

    This is the podcast I'm talking about.
  • Excited to listen later - thank you for the link!
  • I don't think that's it's possible to fall "too hard", because if you see it as that, then it becomes a flaw in your character. And in my opinion, loving someone cannot be a flaw. In fact, quite the opposite. I think I am the same way as you are. I tend to fall pretty hard, and sometimes pretty quickly. If it is not the right person, which so far it hasn't been, it will almost always lead to some kind of heartache. But I know that when it finally is the right person, it will be the most amazing thing ever. I want so bad to find someone that will reciprocate the way I express my emotion. I can't help but believe that it will be completely worth it when I find her :)
  • "And in my opinion, loving someone cannot be a flaw. "

    Love that. And you're totally right. And I totally agree about the character flaw thing. If anything, being able to love and love a lot should be seen as something awesome, not a bad thing. And the second you start worrying about whether or not it's a bad thing, that's when you start limiting yourself and the experiences you could have.

    Thanks for being here Adam!
  • It's certainly "simply a matter of finding someone who isn’t terrified of how hard you fall". I was young, but I fell HARD. She fell hard too, in fact we may have bumped heads on the way down. :) It's been 7 years next month. That's another story, she's awfully patient! ! (no ring yet!)
  • Congratulations, what a great, quick glimpse at how it happened for you. :) And thanks for being here.
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