image

Family: Unfiltered.

November 11th, 2009 | 18 comments | Unfiltered

If there is one thing that is super-important to me, it’s family. Really. If I had to choose right now, between anything and family, family would win. We’re tight like that.

So it may come as a shock to you that when it comes to me thinking about whether or not I want little Sydneys running around someday – I have this totally blank stare on my face. If you were to ask me today if I wanted kids someday, I’d think you’re nuts.

Now, hold on a second. I don’t dislike kids. At all. In fact, most of them are amazing. Some aren’t, but some grownups aren’t amazing either – so that’s fine. The reason I get a blank stare and I am at a total loss for words is that right now, I can’t imagine loving someone so much that I want to A. spend the rest of my life with him and B. have his children and raise a family. And I don’t want to screw it up. I think the last part is the biggest part.

Let’s assume I make it out of my quarter-life with my sanity intact. Let’s assume that I meet someone fabulous, I’m capable of loving them with everything I am, and we decide to have kids. Let’s assume I’m physically capable of having children. All things considered – now I’m afraid. Afraid that I’ll suck at it.

It all comes back to my family. We are so incredibly close, people from afar think we’re strange. My parents know way more about me than the average set of parents know about their kids. My sister, who I’m pretty sure I hated with a passion until high school (jealousy bc I was the oldest and she got everything she wanted – lame) is my best friend.

More than that, it’s the relationship I have with my folks. I’m not kidding when I say that they are my best friends. I can talk to them about anything and everything, and I have. I think where my fear of screwing up on the parenting side of things is that if I have kids, I want to have the same kind of open relationship that I have with my parents. Anything less and I’d be freaking out about how I’m screwing up Little Sydney’s life.

Then another scary thing is how I want my someday-husband (or whatever his title is, things change) to be to our potential daughter like my dad is to me. I am a daddy’s girl to the fullest. He is my rock and has gotten me through some of the hardest and lowest points in my life (as well as the good times, obviously). If Mr. Fabulous can’t be that for our potential daughters – then I’d probably freak out too.

Where does this come from, you ask? Well I have the pleasure of Facebook-stalking my friends from high school and I’ll have you know – I am the last one standing of my immediate circle of friends from Kansas. They’re all engaged, married, or married with children. And we’re 24. Most of my immediate friends have at least one kid, if not two, some three. WE’RE 24!

I know if I had stayed in Kansas and hadn’t followed my parents down to Florida that I’d probably be in the same boat. May or may not have finished college, would have gotten married young and had a kid or three. And there’s nothing wrong with it.

But I can’t imagine being a mommy blogger right now. :)

…and I’m not avoiding the topic about whether or not I can love someone that much – that’s a totally different post for another day.

So do I want kids? As of right now – I honestly don’t know. That’s my answer. Coming from someone who has a POV on EVERYTHING, it’s hard for me to say I don’t know. But really, I don’t.

If you decide you don’t want to have kids, why is there such a negative stigma? Can’t two people just be happy without having children? (Of course they can, I know LOTS of couples that don’t have kids – and they’re normal people.)

So, parents – what’s the trick? How do you do it? Is there a manual? (Okay I know there isn’t – but it’s the question that I have to ask).

Non-parents – have you struggled with pressure for you and your significant other to have kids? Is it a mutual agreement or have you compromised because one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t?

People who have no idea what they want re: kids – what are some of the things you struggle with? Are you afraid of screwing it up like I am?

  • http://doniree.com doniree

    My sister and I have a similar relationship/growth like you described with yours. I'm older by a year and she DEFINITELY got away with more. Now, we're 26 (me) and 25 (her) and she's my best friend. She still gets away with more, but once we figured out how to capitalize on this (start sending HER to ask for permission to do stuff), we were golden.

    As for kids? Eh, the thought freaks me out right now, but my life is in a place right now where that just doesn't fit. Someday? Sure, I think… maybe… but I think I'd really, really like to adopt if and when I do decide to go the family route.

  • sjflynn

    I agree Sydney! I'd rather not be a mother than be a bad mother!

  • GoKTGo

    Great post, Sydney!

    Your family sounds a lot like mine! My sister and brother are my best friends and I tell my parents pretty much everything! I worry about a lot of the same things.

    Almost every guy I even consider dating gets rated on the “will he be a good dad” scale…

    I know I shouldn't think like that, but coming from such an awesome/close family, I can't help it!

    You're not alone in this at all – it's def. a big deal and goes along with your post about dating…I know that I def. want kids, but it's definitely not in my 5 day forecast…

    I am really loving all of these unfiltered posts!! It's such a refreshing change from everything else I read :D

  • Vanessa

    I think it's completely normal to have a changing opinion on children in your 20's. Personally, I keep pushing back the time frame of when I think I would be ready to have kids, even though a husband, let a lone a boyfriend is still pending. One day I think before I'm 30 and the next it's 35, but in all reality I honestly just think you know when you know and it's something you just have to jump into. If we all sat around and waited until we were “ready” financially or emotionally there probably wouldn't be a lot of kiddies running around.

    And if you do decide that kids are the route you want to go remember that you do have that insanely close family and that they are going to be there to help you raise and mold that little Sydney you'll have running around, no matter what the child is like. All you can do is hope that 1% of that family love you provided rubs off.

    Besides, if your child's not what you want can't you trade them in for a better model anyways? Kids work like cars right?

  • http://twitter.com/plamorte Pat Lamorte

    “what are some of the things you struggle with?” — I think for me the struggle re: kids was the effect on my professional career. I wasn't afraid of screwing up, but the idea of having a little me and the challenge of raising them was almost exciting. So my experience was quite opposite than the norm—my desire for my own family changed my professional outlook, not the other way around.

  • http://twitter.com/lisarowen Lisa Owen

    Glory be, she's tallking about US…unfiltered.

  • http://twitter.com/OrlandoChris Chris Owen

    OK, but you asked for it so here goes.

    On one hand, having kids was a horrible mistake and a dumb move.

    As an investment of time and financial resources, there are a whole lot of other things we could have done with both and received a better return. Frankly, I don't know how couples with young children today make it work. When I was a boy everyone's mother stayed home and their job (and it really WAS a job) was to run the household. When you were a kid we both worked and had to. We traded weekend getaways to Vegas for a new stroller or whatever the best this or that was of something all the other parents were buying for their kids. I could stop right there and those should be logical enough reasons for anyone NOT to have children.

    But see? That's the problem with having children.

    There's nothing really logical about it.

    If we had a farm and needed to “make” farm hands, that would be a different story but we don't and never did.

    Being afraid of “screwing it up”, feeling the pressure from the world to be married and have children and all that is normal and part of the deal. We flip-flopped back and forth on if we wanted children or not a lot. Just the idea of being responsible for the life of someone else can be a difficult concept to wrap your head around.

    On the other hand, being there when you were born ranks as the single most amazing event in my lifetime. To think that I had any part at all in the miracle that is birth is simply beyond human comprehension and makes everything about the whole process worthwhile.

    As far as finding “Mr Right”, good luck with that. I don't know that there is a “Mr Right” out there to buy off a shelf. You're going to have to make him. The whole marriage thing is pretty much a work in progress that will never be completed. It surely can be a masterpiece but both him and her have to buy into it totally. Not “I'll give it a try” but “this is it”. Barring serious mental illness (not my kind, serious) domestic abuse or criminal behavior if you say “I do” you need to finish the sentence

    “I do forever no matter what” and mean it. If you can't do that there's no point in it.

    Cool?

  • http://restlesslikeme.com Norcross

    I got married a few weeks after my 26th birthday, and my son was born before I turned 27. So I guess I somewhat fall into that category. Granted, at 24 I was nowhere near being prepared for a relationship, yet my folks had 2 kids already by that time. And my sister was the same way, with two kids at the age of 28 (and married at the age of 20).

    I personally knew I wanted to be a father when I was about 14, but the idea of marriage didn't seem all that good until I met my [future] wife. And while it might be cliche, having a child is the single-most rewarding thing I've ever been a part of. More than my marriage, a career, anything. There's just no comparison. And your dad is exactly right: it's not a matter of logical risk / reward analysis, it's an issue of the heart. Do I enjoy working 100 hours a week to make sure my family is OK? Hardly. But when my littleman smiles at me and says 'I love you Daddy!” I forget about all of that. The bottom line is that when it happens, it happens.

  • http://thriveable.com/ Jenny Ferry

    My only child, a daughter, was born when I was 42. Most of my HS buddies have kids getting ready to graduate from HS themselves and shuffle off to college and here I am, at 47, with a precocious, energy-laden preschooler whom I absolutely adore. I spent my 20s & 30s traveling the world, following my heart, and exploring & discovering what made me come alive in all aspects of my life – physically, mentally, emotionally. I wouldn't trade those years – or the fascinating people I met and amazing experience I had – for anything!

    And even though I don't have the same energy & stamina as a 20-something mom, I do have a enormous wealth of wisdom & experience that guides my parenting style. There is NO manual. I still have to figure it out as I go along – like any new parent. However, I've noticed a strong, quiet assurance within and less hurry-scurry without in meeting the constant challenges of child rearing.

    Bottom line for me: I'm soooo glad that I waited to have a child and was willing to follow my heart & intuition even though the pull in my mid-20s to start a family was incredibly strong. It's was part conscious choice and part circumstance. And there's still NO guarantee that I won't screw up.

    As for you: if you don't know, you don't know. That's totally ok. It's better to stand in a place of uncertainty until you are able to arrive at clarity. Most of us find that place supremely uncomfortable, yet it's the passage through the mist that brings us to incredible vistas. Trust yourself, you'll know when the time is right.

  • http://www.dshan.me/blog DShan

    There's really no question that I want to reproduce. I'm awesome. There needs to be way more me's out there, kicking life in the face.

    Okay, overstatements and jokes aside, the reason I 'want' to have kids is because I want family and it's because of how much I love mine. I have no doubts about my gradual transformation into a caring father, as far away as it seems when it's a completely irrelevant portrait of myself in the context of the life I'm living right now.

    Do I feel prepared? Ready? Even remotely aware of what it would entail? No.

    But I'm from a big Irish family with 2 amazing sisters and 40 killer cousins and having loved the role they've played in my life, I'd like to contribute my own little buggers to the next generation.

    When? That's the question, there, isn't it.

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    yes, you can lease children, I think. :)

    I particularly like the part of where you say that the fam will be here to help me raise the little me's. Thank goodness for that. They'll have an awesome set of grandparents with a pool in Florida – that's pretty sweet.

    I kinda got nauseous typing that – but I'll let it slide. Thanks for being here!

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    Adding this one to the books. Um, you're pretty much amazing.

    In all reality – I have heard, once or twice, that being a part of my birth was a miracle. I think you're full of shit sometimes but I'll give you credit where credit is due. I'd be pretty stoked to be my dad if I were you too.

    All kidding aside, I'm off to the store to find Mr. Right. I heard they're having a Mr. Right sale this week only. :)

    AM I HOME YET?!?! OMG I MISS YOU GUYS LIKE WHOA!

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    As usual, you freaking nailed it. What's with you coming over here to the comments section and totally rocking it's world? I'm not mad about it. In fact, it makes me smile.

    One – 40 killer cousins – that's quite the fam. I've got like, four I think, and you can tell by the way I say that – they aren't a huge part of my life.

    But, I digress. And I agree with you on the wanting it part. Tomorrow? No. Later, whatever “later” means? Hell to the yeah. It's that when part that is the question. (is there an echo in here?)

  • http://sydneyowen.com Sydney Owen

    ::jumping up and down for joy:: I CAN HAVE IT ALL!

    That's one of the biggest underlying factors. See, I have this list. And I don't want to throw the list away because I have kids. I want to have my world-travelling, good-time-having, too-much-fun cake and eat it too. Your little blurb up here lets me know it's possible, so thank you.

    I think it's pretty sweet that I can admit that I don't know – and judging by the last bit of your comment – it's totally okay that I don't.

    You're pretty much amazing – thanks for being here!

  • http://www.dshan.me/blog DShan
  • http://twitter.com/woohahwhitney Whitney Owen

    Excellent post, however, I remember YOU getting a cell phone for MY birthday when I was in middle school.

    ILY.

  • http://thriveable.com/ Jenny Ferry

    Yay! for jumping up and down!! :D

    It's exciting and thrilling to look beyond the “either / or” aspects of big life decisions and find there are some “ands.” In fact, since this topic seems to be popping up all over the place for me and others – I'm gonna sit myself down and write a post about it! How's that?

    Ok, mutual admiration moment: I think you're pretty darn amazing, too! So glad you shared your thoughts with such candor & wit. Keep it up, girl!

  • http://thriveable.com/ Jenny Ferry

    Yay! for jumping up and down!! :D

    It's exciting and thrilling to look beyond the “either / or” aspects of big life decisions and find there are some “ands.” In fact, since this topic seems to be popping up all over the place for me and others – I'm gonna sit myself down and write a post about it! How's that?

    Ok, mutual admiration moment: I think you're pretty darn amazing, too! So glad you shared your thoughts with such candor & wit. Keep it up, girl!