November 4, 2009

Sacrifices: Unfiltered.

Nice to see you again. Follow me, @SydneyOwen. Thanks for being here!

There are some sacrifices I just won’t make.

If you know anything about my story to get here, you know what I’ve sacrificed to make it happen. A social life, friends, leaving my family 1700 miles away, blah blah blah. I’m here now. And now that I am, this career is one thing I won’t even think of jeopardizing.

There are a lot of factors that could influence my career. Poor or stellar business decisions, losing or gaining clients, doing great work vs. just doing work, etc. But the one influencer on my career that I have total and complete control over? My dating life. There are a lot of people in this city – and there are a lot that are seemingly off-limits for me. I’ll get into that more later.

The most interesting change in my life since I got here and started my career is the dating scene. I’m constantly thinking “what if this ended badly, how would/could that affect my career?” and that oftentimes means that I don’t pursue it. If there is the slightest chance that my feelings could turn into something that could jeopardize my career if it ended poorly – I usually turn that off as soon as it turned on.

Which is strange. And my friends and family can attest – guys ALWAYS have gotten on my list of priorities, and they usually make it up pretty high on the list. Eat, breathe, survive, boys, then everything else. I can’t tell you how many nights before a test were spent invested in a relationship instead of my education. My mom cringed every time I met someone new or started even THINKING about someone new when I was in school because she knew what would happen…. the cycle was nauseatingly familiar, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Sydney meets guy. Pending interest, Sydney spends TONS OF TIME with guy. Sydney falls in love with said guy, things fizzle, she finds one flaw that destroys all chances of a healthy relationship, then Sydney is either heartbroken or feeling powerful and free – and said cycle repeats. Notice “studying” or “family time” didn’t make it into that cycle.

In the past – potential love interests have completely ruled my life. I don’t know if I’ve turned down the sensitivity on my radar or what, but it seems like life in Chicago is different. I find myself in this place where all I want is someone to cuddle with because it’s about to get really cold here (in case you didn’t know, it gets cold in Chicago – people keep telling me this), but at the same time, I can’t handle the time commitment that most relationships require. I work a lot. When I’m not working I’m at the gym or networking or sleeping or spending time with my friends. I don’t see where a relationship could fit in there. And when the right one comes along, it won’t be about me trying to find time for it – it will just happen naturally.

So chances are, if there’s some slight chance that me pursuing my little crush on you could one day reflect poorly on me in my career – things are probably going nowhere. I don’t date people I work with – it’s a rule. Not like it’s an issue here, because the handful of men that work here are married and 10+ years older than me. I don’t want to date someone who works for a competitor – that would just be weird. And would take “sleeping with the competition” to a new level. At the end of the day, my business is my business, and I want to be able to enjoy life without worrying about potential consequences. I want to love freely and not wonder if the person I’m loving is going to end up being a bad business decision down the road.

So that’s my take on the sacrifices I’ve made to get here and how they have made me super protective of my career.

What won’t you sacrifice? Am I the only person that thinks about dating this way? Am I a sick and twisted individual who is missing out on opportunities to love or am I smart for setting up these “rules” that I live by? Thoughts?

  • You've done a great job bringing up an issue that many people struggle with. It's hard to find the right work/life balance and throwing a new relationship in the mix? Forget about it. Finding the time to have a relationship is hard enough, let alone starting a new one.

    I applaud you for not settling. I think a lot of people see dating as just another step of the process. Personally, I’m not ready to take away from my work and relationships with friends and family to be with someone “because I’m bored” or because “it’s the next logical step” (People have told me that both of those are reasons for starting a relationship.) It’s not being picky it’s having priorities in a different order. I’m not knocking people who do have a loving relationship and a great career- that’s awesome and I wish you the best of luck, but not everyone has found someone who’s worth all the time and effort.

    Like you said, you’ll know when you find someone worthy of your time and it’ll be worth the wait when you do.
  • Sydney,

    I absolutely LOVE this post. I admire you so much for being so honest and open about this because I feel the exact same way as you! When I was in college (even though I was incredibly busy w/ PR internships, social life, etc. etc. etc.) I still always seemed to have a boyfriend. But after graduating, I entered the agency world knowing that it was the best way for me to become an awesome PR pro. Working at an agency was a perfect fit for me because (as you know) it’s an environment where you are surrounded by other extremely passionate, driven, cut-throat, stay-up-all-night-until-the-work’s-done marketers and their energy fuels you to work even harder. But those long and stressful 70-hour weeks, combined with the additional time you spend reading blogs/industry news and trying to have some sort of a social life, doesn’t really leave much room for a relationship. Hence, I’ve been basically single for two years.

    I’ve started talking to so many guys who just don’t get it. You always hear, “You work too much, can’t it just wait until tomorrow?” And I’m like, “Are you freaking kidding me?! Absolutely not!” I’ve always been a go-getter, just like you. I believe we have to make sacrifices now in order to achieve what is really important to us. There’s always those girls (or guys) who put all their eggs into a relationship, lose themselves, their friends and/or their goals, and then once the relationship ends they feel like they’ve wasted all their time and are consumed with regret. I think it would be the worst feeling in the world to have missed opportunities to advance my career over a guy that didn’t end up working out. Am I open to a relationship if something amazing knocks me upside the head? Hell to the yeah. But it would have to be with a person who supplements my life and values my drive and the things I want to accomplish in my career. More than likely, they’ll want that from a girl, too.

    Thanks for sparking this conversation. I look forward to joining you on your journey through boys/career, etc. It’s going to be exciting!!
  • You deserve to be happy. Do whatever you are passionate about, we've got only one chance of life and you don't want to regret the thing you have not done when we are able to.

    You owe it to your self. :-)
  • Great post Sydney. When you just start your career, you are bound to make it a priority, especially since you worked pretty hard and beat the odds to even get here.

    I think it's smart to not sacrifice your career for a guy. The right guy is going to work really hard to fit into your life anyway, and the career vs. guy issue won't be an issue when you find him. I like the most recent guest post on Grace Boyle's blog: http://smallhandsbigideas.com/guest-blog-post/f...

    Guys who really want a relationship will work to get it. Having a couple barriers is a good way to weed through the duds :)
  • I think it's less about sacrifice and more about compromise. You don't necessarily ever have to give things up, the PERFECT person for you will accept your hauling ass, working hard, independent, self-driven attitude and will find the perfect place to come into the picture. I work hard, very hard, at work, away from work, freelance, anything I can get my hands on, I do it - because at this point in my life I'm not sure what direction I want to take. I HAVE to try a lot of different things because there is no path laid out in front of me.

    My fiance fully accepts this and supports my insane up-late/up-early schedule. If I wanted to quit my nine to five and pursue my own business, she would support me - we would survive on ramen, but we would be together, we would persevere. That's real love - love I know you will find, when you're ready.

    I sacrificed a ton - so did you. I dissapointed my parents, lost all my friends, moved away from the only place I've ever known, and here I am, here we are - it's pretty heavy stuff Syd. But look how far you and I have both come in a few months. Sometimes it feels like the wheels are spinning and we're not going anywhere, but really, we are the movers and shakers, taking the reigns of our lives and living to the fullest.

    End rant/ramble/lost track of my point. Keep your head high and keep doing what you do. Your drive is admirable, and something that Mr. Right will no doubt find very appealing :)
  • I love compromise. I am excited for the day when I meet someone who can handle this ass-crazy life I have going on here, and better yet, wants to be a part of it.

    Side note - didn't know that your parents were disappointed, was it because you just up and left and made the leap to Chicago?

    Mr. Right is going to have one hell of a day when he meets me. That's all I know. :)
  • I think you would like the movie and even find some answers. Live it up while you're young!
  • I just saw a movie named "500 days of Summer" on a recent flight to Boston. A smart movie dealing exactly with the various dating issues you're talking about. You should check it out if you haven't seen it.
  • You're just starting out, it's not unusual for the dating life to fall by the wayside.

    And you're playing it smart by keeping people you work with off limits, but dating someone who works for another firm? That shouldn't be off-limits. I've dated "the competition" in the past and it didn't effect either party (or company) adversely. Then again we never discussed work either, that was kind of off-limits.
  • Not saying I would write it off completely - but what I do is so much a part of my life and something that I'm so passionate about that I think it would suck royally to not be able to talk about anything and everything that happened that day. I guess I'll cross that bridge when/if I get to it. :)
  • That totally makes sense. You're off to a healthy start by at least recognizing all this stuff from the get-go instead of standing there a few years later wondering what the hell happened!
  • personally, I've made it a point to never do the one thing you're advocating: setting rules. Once a rule has been created, regardless of reason or motivation, then you're immediately discounting your opportunities. Take for example my wife and I:

    When we met, I was just over 1 year away from a drink and retuning to school after a 3 year hiatus, and she was in her first year of law school and living on her own for the first time. We were both in no way whatsoever looking for a relationship. In fact, we wanted something casual (for me, casual meant sex and an occasional meal). We both could have easily walked away in the beginning, since we had a lot of other important things in our lives at the time. After all, there are plenty of people, right?

    We just celebrated our 3rd year of marriage, and 5 years total together. Because we both realized that things change in an instant, and being static and rigid means that you don't change with it. And we both know how that ends.
  • Andrew - thanks for being here. I think the kinds of rules I'm establishing won't hinder my ability to to meet people or opportunities. I've met a handful of great guys since I've moved here, but nothing came of it. Just no spark, really. But that doesn't mean I'm not excited for the day when I meet someone and everything just kind of comes together.

    When I meet someone, I'll go with the flow, figure it out, put in the work, all that fun stuff that comes with being in a relationship. But UNTIL I meet that person, I'm totally cool with figuring out myself, what makes me tick, what I have to offer, and for me to grow, I have certain rules/standards/ideas/morals/guidelines/bullet points, whatever you want to call it, that I live by.

    At the end of the day I'm such a passionate person that if I meet someone who really just knocks my socks off - the rules will fly out the window. Once someone gets me engaged, interested, where I can't think about anyone else, I won't even know what the rules are. That's just how I roll. :)
  • I hear what you're saying, and by all means I'm not saying to throw everything out the window. Just don't be so engrossed in your 'personal structure' that you miss the very thing / person that COULD knock your socks off.
  • Hmmm. I like where your head's at. Good point. As usual. :)
  • Can I just say that it takes guts to be completely real in a blog post and to delve into the unmentionables - like relationships and all of which they entail. Which is a larger reason why I visit this blog. You write with a 'real' spin on life. You love PR and social media, but you also tackle the things that real people are going through. Kudos to you.

    As far as relationships go....

    "And when the right one comes along, it won’t be about me trying to find time for it – it will just happen naturally."

    This is one of the more wise statements I've read in awhile. When it just happens - with no force, you know it's real. I met my boyfriend (of a year and a half) 30 days before I LEFT for an internship 7 states away. I wasn't looking for anything and was ready to embrace what was in front of me. To my surprise, I was able to embrace my future AND get to know an incredible guy...

    I think we intuitively make decisions and sacrifices to be happy. And if you are happy right now, that's all that matters - the rest will happen.
  • The question, really, is this: "Is this guy worth it?"

    Seems to me that your answer has always been "no". And that's totally fair. Cheers to you for figuring that out.

    I would argue that relationships are NOT effortless, though. Far from it. It takes two to nurture a relationship, just as you would nurture anything you want value from. Of course, you would naturally want to spend more time with the person; you would naturally allot more of your time to him; it will not FEEL like a huge sacrifice, because he will make you happy. But I would be careful to say that a relationship, folding someone into your life, is effortless. This, I think, is a dangerous myth in dating.. which is why a lot of worthy relationships end prematurely. People stop trying because they think it shouldn't be work. But it is work - work to communicate, work to trust, work to be honest. And you'll love it.. so it'll be worth the effort.
  • Oh I'm totally with you on the bit about relationships being work. I get that. I've worked. I've sacrificed, I've been left in the dark and I've done the leaving. At the end of the day, you're absolutely right. Is the guy worth it? I am so excited to meet someone who makes me answer that question with a "ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY", not just a yes. :)

    Thanks for being here!
  • bryna
    Great post, Sydney. I've actually come to the same conclusion over the past couple months. I ended a really serious relationship this year because I refused to settle for something that I knew wasn't right, just so I wouldn't be alone. That break up was a milestone for me. Since then I had one other relationship that didn't work, although we remain good friends. But these things are draining, and I'm the kind of person who can't leave that stuff at home. It's written on my face even if I'm functioning well. I have reached my break up quota for 2009. And I'm excited to take this new attitude into 2010. Thanks for being so honest!
  • I 100 million percent agree with Derek's comment. I'm not even going to try to say it better.

    I will reiterate though, that I too loved this post.
  • *blush*
  • What's clear to me from your story (past and as it unfolds here) is that you value work above all else. Not everybody feels the same, especially when it comes to family (and dating). Many people value family and relationships above all else, often times far above work.

    It's great, though, that you KNOW what you value and you are aware of your priorities. So many people haven't even figured that out. You definitely sound like you've figured out a lot about yourself and how it relates to everything you have going on, which is great.

    Personally, 40 years from now, when the social media fad is over, I would think you'd want somebody at your side to love, laugh, and smile with. Or even this winter, when it's 10 below and you're walking home from work because 4 buses just passed your stop and the next one won't be there for a half hour and you wish you had someone to sit next to the fire with.

    But as long as you know who you are, what you want, and where you want to go later today, I think you'll be just fine.

    Keep up the great work here, Sydney. I truly enjoy this new direction you're taking and I have a hunch you're going to build an excellent community here!
  • I have to side with Tim here. Having someone to come home to when your day goes to shit is such a nice luxury to have. Having a source of support that never waivers is priceless in times of despair. The last few months have been pretty rough professionally, and I'm not sure what kind of shape I'd be in right now without that support from my girlfriend.

    That said, being on your own is just fine as well. It's a balancing act, I've come to find. Work, social, home. Not easy, but to me, worth it.

    And with your personality Sydney, you should find plenty of guys to date! Find one as busy as you and you'll be golden :)
  • I have to agree with Brandon on this one. No matter how hard you work or how awesome you are you will be in a career slump and significant others can keep you motivated when you just want to quit. I'm is the same boat as you with the whole "packing up your entire life into one suitcase and going to a brand new place only for your career." But I think that no matter how much you love your job and how important it is to you it's never going to love you the way you love it no matter how hard you try to make it. It's amazing how a day that makes you want a cry can disappear when you come home to someone you care about and have fun with. I think you're on the right path though and are making the right decisions. You have worked really hard to get where you are and you shouldn't have to sacrifice anything. I truly believe that love comes not when you are looking for it but when you're focusing on bettering yourself. When you do, you'll know he's worth it when he wants to help you better yourself too, not take away from you reaching your goals.
  • ::clapping:: bravo! I couldn't agree more. And I heard from a little birdie about how you and Len met - so I'm not ruling anything out - I'm definitely excited for the day that I meet Mr. Fabulous :)
  • LOL thanks Brandon. Though the last bit is a bit harder than one might think. How long it's been since I've been on a date is a WHOOOOOOLE 'nother post :)
  • "Personally, 40 years from now, when the social media fad is over, I would think you'd want somebody at your side to love, laugh, and smile with. Or even this winter, when it's 10 below and you're walking home from work because 4 buses just passed your stop and the next one won't be there for a half hour and you wish you had someone to sit next to the fire with."

    Um, hello Tim YES I WANT THAT! That's the kind of thing I'm excited for. Hopefully it's not 40 years down the road. Do I want someone to share my life with? Hell effing yes! Do I want it so badly that I'll settle for less just to have it? No. And I think that's where I am different from a lot of people. I'm single, and yes, I'd love to cuddle up by the fire after missing the bus four times (which, when that happens, be prepared for a shit storm of tweets because I will be PISSED), I'm not about to settle on someone who's less than A-FREAKING-MAZING to cuddle up next to. It's a lonely life being picky, but I know for a fact that once I stumble upon Mr. Awesome - that I will be SO happy that I was SO picky for SO long.

    Thanks for bein' here Tim - always love the way you get my brain workin!
  • We're not able to put real rules around our love lives...what you're doing is self-identification. You may think you choose to cut off relationships based on an over-protected stance towards success, but you just prioritize based on what makes you happy. If putting guys off just to get it done at work made you miserable, you'd probably have given it up a long time ago.

    I love this post, btw.

    I'm like this. It's not because I'm in an industry that tests the rule, for sure...I can't name a female in my industry. But I've always been a hard, hard lover...when I fall I fall hard. I tend to move out of relationships into a very selfish stage of personal development, in which I know I spend most of my time thinking about who I am in the world. What I'd doing, and who I want to be. I don't prioritize 'chasing' girls, and I am not a big dater. I just wait for the next stunning, knock me over spark and I try to be self-aware enough to give it some attention when it happens.

    As similar or as different as that might be from what you've described, it's definitely that I spend a lot of my life considering Love to be a sacrifice, in the way that I just won't go out of my way to hunt it down. I won't, because I know myself and until I'm really, really distracted by someone I can't get out of my head, I'm a horrible boyfriend and I shouldn't put the wrong girl through that. It's not fair to them.

    I'm not into dating. I'm into paying attention when someone's really interesting though.
  • "I'm not into dating. I'm into paying attention when someone's really interesting though."

    I. LOVE. THAT.

    I'm the same way - until someone damn near pushes me over with their amazingness, I really don't see it. I think that's why when it does happen, I won't be able to breathe. I'm so tunnel-vision on getting my life started here and right now that focus is on my work and doing great things for our clients and also building up my reputation as a quality-person both professionally and personally. When someone can bust through my tunnel vision and make themselves seen in my little world that I've got going on here and get me to pay attention to them - watch out - because I, like you, fall hard and fast and give everything I am to the cause. It's a beautiful thing when it happens.

    The thing I know about myself now, after having gone through that cycle a couple times, is very, very specific as to what I have to offer in a relationship as well as what I need from one. And until those all match up, I'm totally fine with being married to my career and rocking out with my friends.

    Thanks for being here - don't be a stranger! :)
  • I LOVE THIS: "until someone damn near pushes me over with their amazingness, I really don't see it. I think that's why when it does happen, I won't be able to breathe."

    Worth holding out for, for sure.
  • People forget that being married to a job, career, or way of living is also a relationship. A happy one or a crap one is really up to you.
  • Very interesting insight! I've actually never really considered the impact of my dating life on my professional life except the one time I dated a coworker (and quickly learned why that's a bad decision and why I haven't repeated it since).

    "I don’t see where a relationship could fit in there. And when the right one comes along, it won’t be about me trying to find time for it – it will just happen naturally."

    I loved this part. I've been telling myself this all year - I don't have time, I'm too into me and my stuff, etc. And for the most part, that's been really true. I felt it wouldn't be fair to a partner to bring them into my whirlwind when I so desperately wanted to keep what little bit of free time I had to myself.

    The funny thing is that things are changing and opening up a little for me. And what do you know - right when I least expected it, something great comes along. (At least I think it's great... we'll find out, right?)
  • "felt it wouldn't be fair to a partner to bring them into my whirlwind when I so desperately wanted to keep what little bit of free time I had to myself."

    That's huge for me too. I want to be able to fully support myself and be 100% functional on my own before I go dragging someone into this. So that will probably happen in the next couple of years. Will I still be paying off loans and all that? Duh - I don't want to be single till I'm 50 - but by the time I'm ready to "settle down", I'll have all of that under control and will be living comfortably, not paycheck to paycheck.

    Unless of course this millionaire guy can't live without me and the sparks are unreal and it's the most intense thing ever - then I'll be okay with the paycheck to paycheck thing - because I'll have his fortune to fall back on. TOTALLY JOKING (but kinda serious). :)
  • I don't think you're sick and twisted :) You nailed it on the head by saying that when it will work and be worth it, it will effortlessly unfold. You won't HAVE to sacrifice your friends or work because that person folds into your life naturally.

    I feel the same way as you. I'm so busy now and I don't have a boyfriend, so I can't imagine giving so much of myself to someone else when I'm still focusing on me. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I also had a breakup back in March and I don't think my career suffered, but it was hard for me to really focus and be on point at the office when my heart was breaking. That frustrated me, because I'm always on point (well, try to be at least;)

    So I feel you. I think when it's right and supposed to work it simply will. I trust in that everyday. In the meantime, keep kicking ass on the job, networking, being with friends and exploring your new, fun city. That's my two cents!
  • Love it! I hear you about the being frustrated when things mess you up - like I pride myself on being independent, but when I need help with something like changing a lightbulb I can't reach in my apartment, I just get whiny. Like, why can't I handle this? I handle EVERYTHING. :)

    Thanks for your two cents Grace, always appreciated!
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