I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Boss School is, without a doubt, the most insane experience of my life to date.
More insane than jumping out of an airplane.
Since the course started at the end of March, I have had so many lightbulb moments, so many breakthroughs, so many insanely powerful moments, and more than anything, a lot of confusion.
Stick with me here.
Sun Sessions: Taft was incredible. Everything worked out and we were almost at full capacity by the time the weekend actually came around. The event, overall, was a smashing success.
So why then, on Monday/Tuesday following the event, did I feel like complete and utter dog shit about what the hell I’m doing with my life? Surely this is all “too good to be true” and the Universe will all come crashing down, because there is no way that this could possibly be real life.
This is the story I’ve been telling myself, along with some other pretty fucked up stories. Without rewriting the pages of my journal verbatim, this is a quick dump of what went through my mind in the last couple of weeks.
Sun Sessions was a hit. YAY. Should we do it again? Yes. Do I like traveling? Not as much as I thought I would, at least not without Barry and the dogs. But you said “we execute professionally organized events all over the COUNTRY, not just Southern California” – you better hold up to your little tagline there, sister. You hyped up the fact that this was going to be a road show and now you decide you don’t really like going outside of your comfortable little bubble in SoCal, wow, you’re a hot mess. Here, call your mother and talk to her about all the times you’ve limited yourself, been “shushed” and didn’t let yourself shine. Wow, you have a serious pattern of self-sabotage – how does that feel to uncover? Oh, you mean you were raised in a loving home and really were taught that you can be anything you want to be – what kind of fucked up “friends” told you otherwise? More importantly, why did you believe it? You have a history of listening to people that actually, legit, mean nothing but harm for you, why are you so cool with that? Why do you tolerate it? WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOUR VOICE GO?
The exercises in Boss School have uncovered a whole slew of shit I didn’t know I was feeling, thinking, doing, tolerating, expecting, or putting out there. I signed up for this course completely sure that I’m a self-aware little lady and that by the end of it, I’d have a framework for the “how to run a business” side of running a business. But noooo, the first 4-5 weeks are all about the foundation of my business: Me. Sara wooed me with all the answers I need about legal and funding and marketing and financial stuff, and then was like, “Oh hey, by the way, we’re going on this journey into the depths of your (apparently long-time silenced) soul and we’re going to make sand castles in there and blow shit up, cool?”
YES, actually, it is cool, Sara. Thanks for taking me to places I didn’t know I needed to visit, because I didn’t know they exist.
I’ll spare you the details of what Brene Brown would call an unraveling from the last three weeks, and tell you this much: I’m in serious Sponge Mode.
Sponge Mode is what happens when I get fired up about something: working in restaurants, marketing, PR, skydiving, event planning, etc. The topic of Sponge Mode activation: this seriously deep inner work journey thing we’re doing.
With Sponge Mode, I want to do ALL OF THE THINGS related to the topic. I want the books, the experiences, the language, the jargon, the knowledge, and most importantly: THE ANSWERS. My brain goes into hyper mode and starts trying to analyze, classify, sort, and file all of the information, breakthroughs, lightbulb moments, etc. It’s a tidy office up there and we can’t have all of this clutter lying around.
Good news is, now I know that Sponge Mode is a thing. This is how I’ve always gone about my life. Absorb, absorb, absorb until I’m at max absorption capacity. Then I have answers. And then I make big life decisions. And then things always line up super awesome and tidy and I run, full-bore, into my new thing, whatever the new thing is. I now recognize this pattern of Sponginess and I can see it coming.
Sponge Mode is rad in itself as far as getting into whatever I want to get into – but the way my brain sorts through shit that I need to be wary of. I’m learning so much about myself in this process that I feel like it all needs to fit on this little timeline so I can draw as many over-analyzed conclusions as humanly possible.
I got a friendly reminder last Saturday at a workshop to just slow the fuck down. This whole thing is a process, a journey, and part of figuring out who I am, where I’m going, and what sweet sweet gifts I’m going to give the world before I leave it. If I could sum up this journey so far in a few words: I need to give myself permission to experience this. My brain keeps trying to get in the way because it’s been ruling my world and my story for FOREVER and I just need to sit down, shut up, and feel it out.
This isn’t a mess that needs to be cleaned up. This isn’t a stack of papers that needs sorting and filing.
This is the start of something new, powerful, engaging, and to be quite honest, terrifying.